verbal brackets

what am I doing wrong?

2011-11-26T23:55:00.000+08:00

I'm lonely. There you go, it's a nice, cold, hard fact. I'm emo and homesick and tired and moody and evasive all the time now because this loneliness is growing and growing and it's eating me up and I can't stand it any more than I already have. I can't tell if I'm lonely because I have self esteem issues and feel as though no one could love such a person, or because I'm (ironically, in the opposite direction) an arrogant being who looks upon humankind as a whole as a flaw beyond help?

Perhaps I'm just over-thinking everything as a self-defense mechanism because I need to drown out the nasty voices in my head. I need to not hear the truth, whispered to me in my own mental voice, that I am just a really nasty person who will never let enough of herself be known to anyone to feel wholly accepted. I have beautiful friends who care, who want to know the reason behind my mood swings. But I don't want to tell them, I don't want to release into the world any more filth than already exists in it. All these negative thoughts should stay locked up in my mind, where at least they would damage only me.

I just don't think I could be poisonous enough to let anyone in on this unhappiness, especially not when so many of the people who care seem so happy. When someone is that happy, and that happiness is so well-deserved and so overdue, you can't honestly expect me to tell them that their happiness makes me feel lonelier than ever. That the happier they get, the further I feel my world is from theirs. That I am tired and miserable and terribly jealous of them. That I can't help the bitterness even if it disgusts me more than it would them.

And then I switch perspectives again and consider a different possibility. Could it be that I am not, after all, a vile creature who casts a pall on a friend's joy? Maybe - maybe I'm being too arrogant in assuming that my black vibes would even remotely affect that friend's happiness. Maybe I'm too nice, too careful, too conscious. Maybe I'm being a fool and keeping everything to myself when all I need is to open up and stop assuming things. Maybe I need to stop trying so hard to make something change when all I need to do is let things flow as they should. Not to strive for light or dark, but to get comfortable with the grey area and just - chill.

Mother of god, what do you do when someone suddenly tells you the most intense life story you've ever heard?

2011-11-01T06:56:00.002+08:00

Especially since all I thought they were going to say was, "Oh, it's a silly nickname that stuck..."

To be perfectly honest,

2011-09-05T12:49:00.002+08:00

I don't like waiting all night for someone to come online. I hate it even more when someone comes online for five minutes, then disappears. And I wait for two hours, and see that "online" sign pop up just to find that it disappears in another five minutes. Damn it, if you tell me you want to talk then just bloody stay online. Stop being so damned impatient and hopping off into another world just because I can't type fast enough to reply in ten seconds. I know you're bred kiasu and can't bear wasting your precious time but for god's sake, just bloody give me thirty seconds if you need to talk. Otherwise please don't rob me of my sleep. It's so damned annoying.

Kthxbye.

Me and my words.

2011-06-30T23:44:00.000+08:00

I typed out a long rant yesterday about something that has since become insignificant. Or rather, I have since realized its insignificance.

I was about to post it on my blog from my mobile, but just then a call came in and I accidentally deleted the entire thing. My initial reaction was, of course, complete outrage at myself for the amount of effort gone down the drain. But I couldn't summon the energy or the feeling to write it up again, so it didn't get posted in the end. I'm that kind of person; when I write, I follow the flow of my emotions (usually ending in melancholy) and by the time I've finished the final paragraph, I've released all my emotions in the words and I no longer feel the same as when I wrote the first lines. My emotional state vacillates a lot. I get influenced a little too easily.

So you can imagine that when I thought back about what I had written, I suddenly felt glad that I hadn't posted it after all. It was quite pathetic, on hindsight - the whole thing reeked of petulant whining and melodrama. When I think back on it, it was a shallow, thoughtless rant that came to no conclusions and sounded like a thirteen-year-old's desperate attempt to draw attention to the heinous drama in their life. In a way, it was a manipulative bitch of a rant, taking ordinary truth and phrasing it in ways that tried to hint tantalizingly at something serious and interesting. The equivalent, forgive me, of a young teenager posting statuses on Facebook about heartbreak and love when you know for a fact that they have never even experienced either. Not quite the same, but equally foolish.

I've thought up a theory that I should test. The next time I feel worked up about something and decide to rant about it on my blog or journal... When I finish the piece, I should always hit Save Draft first. If I still feel the same way a day later, I'll publish the post.

I am not always easygoing, or reasonable, or open-minded. But I try very hard to be.

-.

2011-05-29T21:45:00.003+08:00

You'll need to click on it for the full size version.

*edit!*
60 notes on tumblr? That's like a personal high score for original content! :D And to think I nearly decided against uploading it...

-.

2011-05-24T22:25:00.002+08:00

I don't know what the future will be like. That's fine, because no one does.

I don't know what I want my future to be like. That scares me more than anything else right now, even more than the upcoming exams.

When did I change? Was it gradual, or did it happen in one cataclysmic moment? I used to dream of doing what I loved for a living. I used to believe I had a little talent. I used to have potential. I used to picture myself working hard but enjoying myself because I loved my work. Why, then, do I suddenly stop functioning on autopilot - after a year and a half - and look back to realise that I might have made a big mistake?

I am so, so very terrified right now.

I love this guy:

2011-05-19T21:43:00.001+08:00

A list of books I have yet to read (and the reasons why)

2011-05-17T01:03:00.001+08:00

I used to be the type of reader who couldn't put a book down, at least not for breaks more than an hour long. It wasn't because I wad such a devoted, avid reader or something impressive like that. It was simply that I have a pretty bad attention span, so if I spent too long away from the story I felt detached and it would be such a bother to get immersed again. And that also explains why I get really grumpy if I'm approached during or immediately after a story. My reaction tends to be something along the lines of, "Go away, I'm not back on your planet just yet."

But in the last two years I've grown a rather large pile of half-read and unread books, much to my displeasure. And yet I haven't done much about it, if only because I keep finding other crap to do. Maybe college caused it. It is after all a lot more difficult to crack open a storybook in the middle of a lecture than to do so in a big, noisy school classroom. So let's take a quick stock-check of the abandoned books lying around me!

1. Sense and Sensibility - I'm only halfway through this, but I don't feel motivated to finish it because I don't like any of the characters.
2. Nation - A present from last year that I meant to read immediately... but somehow it's still in the gift wrapping.
3. The Splendour Falls - Progress came to a grinding halt when the characters also proved unlikeable. I'm such a snob.
4. The World is Flat - It's non-fiction. Of course I can't finish it quickly.
5. My Mother She Killed Me, My Father He Ate Me - Because it's an anthology, the stories are discontinuous and as such can be digested in little bits.
6. The Folklore of Discworld - This is another book that I am ashamed of abandoning. But again, the discontinuity made it happen...
7. Fallen - Rather annoying characters and concept. As though vampires and werewolves weren't supernatural and mysterious enough, this one turns out to be about an angel. An angel, for heaven's sake. (Yes, I totally did make that shameful pun.)

I have others, but... :/
Not too sure if naming the rest is a good idea.
Besides, I've mentioned all but four. You get the point.

I HAVE TO READ THOSE AS SOON AS THE EXAMS END OR THE SILVERFISH WILL GET TO THEM FIRST. (´Д` )

A short list of reasons why my nineteenth birthday was one of the best that I can remember:

2011-05-08T23:41:00.007+08:00

We shall go about it in chronological order, yes?

1. Receiving one birthday text in particular that made me wonder what I ever did to deserve such love - and whether I'm so predictable that the sender could guess what the right thing to say was.

2. Balancing the first question on the accounts paper on the first try - something I'd NEVER done until now. (I'll ignore the epic failness of the rest of the paper though.)

3. A very short maths lesson.

4. Seeing pink in the library.

5. Going on a shopping spree... at the most awesome stationery shop this nation has ever seen.

6. Overtime over dessert, ridiculous photos and absurd conversation.

7. Mexican kilts and Nigerian waterfalls.

8. Coming home and finding out that Kame had been on Shonen Club, with a brilliant performance. Would it be too OOC for me to say I find the performance just a tad more special because it was aired on my birthday?

9. Checking my mail - and sure enough, the recording of Kame's Friday night radio show was up on YouTube!

10. Experimenting with the glitter powder bought from said stationer's... and getting rather pleasing results. See how it catches the light?

11. Finally placing my order for White!

On the whole, I think the ratio of ups to downs was very good. :) Thank you, to those of you who recognise yourselves in this!

elaborations will follow

2011-05-05T01:43:00.002+08:00

...when I find the right words.

1582

2011-05-02T17:04:00.003+08:00

The most hypnotic song on my current playlist.

/le great return

2011-04-30T12:09:00.004+08:00

How strange it feels to be blogging here on Blogger after being enamoured with Tumblr for nearly two months now. Everything here on VerbalBrackets seems so old and abandoned somehow. But a small update is in order, partly because I feel I owe it to my firstborn blog and partly because I have absolutely no idea who visits me on Tumblr.

The people following me on Tumblr are 80% strangers, whom I know mostly through common biases and such. Here, however, is known mostly to people I actually know and so feels a little more... secure? While it's nice to be able to be a long-winded, rambling airhead on Blogger, with no fear of losing the mostly sane, cheerful impression Tumblr acquaintances have of myself, the freedom to be nothing but a diehard fangirl on Tumblr is refreshing in a way, that I don't have to restrain myself to the limits of normalcy within real-life circles of friends. If I shared my favourite music here, how many of my few visitors would even bother giving it a listen? How many on Tumblr would, on the other hand?

So I guess what I'm saying is, VisualBrackets makes me so happy because it allows me companions who love the same band and have similar interests and attitudes toward some things. Even if I don't know much about them, it's fine because the connection exists through common interests. VerbalBrackets, on the other hand, is in truth a blog of things I want the people around me to know. I want my "real-life" friends to understand why I love some of the things I do, to read and see why I do some of the things I do. And in some part, up until two months ago, I was hoping they would be game enough to step out of their usual areas of musical interest and try listening to stuff I like before judging it (and me). You know, sort of like how I try to never disapprove of music without giving it a shot?

I suppose that might have backfired, whether because not everyone has enough time to go around being open-minded or because they think they already know what my taste in music is like (giving them the full benefits of doubt, of course). In any case, it doesn't matter now that I've been shown the wonders of Tumblr - any readers who were ever only here to read can now relax and not worry about me shoving my playlist down your throat and forcing you to act interested. I'm sorry if this all sounds very bitter - I don't mean it, really. I don't feel bitter about it now that I have a different outlet. I'm just trying to say, in my usual roundabout manner, that I'm separating my interests from now on. It's more efficient this way, or at least I think it's a good idea.

Of course, since I am still a huge fangirl, you can't expect absolutely no mention of my favourite five guys when I ramble. They'll still feature a fair bit, but I'll stop the incoherent squealing and video spamming now, how's that? Also, since reblogging picture spams will surely take less time and effort than writing out lengthy rambles, there will be far less activity here on VerbalBrackets - but that's all right, because who needs a long, mostly-pointless ramble every week, anyway?

On a mixed note, though: It's May tomorrow. It's a good summer month, chock-full of cousins' birthdays (the release of 'WHITE' notwithstanding), but the upcoming exams cast such a pall on everything in life right now. But hey, it's May! :)

Sorry, trees, but I need paper books.

2011-03-05T01:28:00.003+08:00

I've just finished reading a rather old book, Penny Jordan's Silver, online and I can't say the headache is worth the experience. Unless the experience teaches me how thoroughly ill-fitted e-books and I are; in that case, the headache is well worth the lesson.

I know e-books have been really popular and everything, but I guess I still can't adapt to it. My eyes are about to fall out of their sockets; they're pleading with me to just stab them the next time I attempt such a strenuous activity. Well, it would save them a lot of time, really, since reading a full-length novel on my computer is just a form of agonizingly slow torment that results in pretty much the same thing. I'd even be saved the headache!

I'm not about to wax on about how I'm a purist or classicalist or whatever who stands loyal to the beauty of traditional books. I ain't even much of a reader. You won't find me bitching about how the world is losing the feel of "real" books, but that's because I'm usually too busy chopping trees down for my selfish purposes. Like tissues. Heck yeah, tissues.

comfort clothes

2011-03-02T00:02:00.004+08:00

Have I ever mentioned how much I love my ugly, ratty old PJ t-shirt? The original SMKDU one, no longer in print today. Haha. It's so wonderfully worn-out! It's the most comfortable thing I own, no doubt about it. Sorry for the abruptness, but really. My t-shirt is so awesome it deserves a post all on its own.

What's your favourite item of clothing? :)

done!

2011-02-26T01:00:00.006+08:00

In the truest tradition of dressing twins in matching clothes (no, really, I actually can't stand that), I have now dressed this blog and my tumblr blog in exactly the same outfit! Mostly because I was bored (again) with how this blog looked, so when I saw how nice the background looked on tumblr I decided to use it here as well. Personally, I think it looks really nice for something so randomly cobbled together! I spent only half an hour on the thing, as opposed to my original estimate of 3+ hours. See, getting distracted and carried away with nonsense sometimes ends up with fun results!

Doesn't it look just like soft, colourful snow dancing as it falls? ♥

http://visualbrackets.tumblr.com/ <-- click or die, hoar!

No, seriously. Click it.

Oh, and by the way - I think I've just been given a tangible target, one I can actually aspire to achieve. :)

oh, no.

2011-02-25T23:15:00.000+08:00

Okay, crap. It seems that nutnut was right about tumblr.

I didn't really bother at first, but now that I've gone cruising around and found some awesome tumblr blogs to follow, suddenly it's the most fun thing I could spend my time doing. Going on a reblogging spree is fine and all, but surely going on a reblogging rampage is not healthy. And now I've decided my theme is hideous, so I'm making myself a new background... NOOOO!!

I'll be up all night, at this rate! I'm actually opening up Photoshop now, ready to spend the next four hours making a good enough background. Oh, no, crap, no!

*sigh*

Well. You might as well make my work worth it. Come see the result of my toil! ;) brb!

song of the day: Ave Maria! ~Schubert~

2011-02-25T04:11:00.000+08:00

I know I said I wouldn't post anything about stuff everyone's already heard anyway, and I know there isn't a one of you who hasn't heard Ave Maria. But humor me.

The version I'm talking about here is one of the covers Hirahara Ayaka has done (she did two, this is the "Schubert" version). For those unfamiliar with her, Hirahara Ayaka is one of those artists that make me feel really proud when I say I am a fan. For comparison, admitting to being a KAT-TUN fan still makes me squirm a little inside. You get the idea.

Hirahara is brilliant, the Japanese queen of classical covers. She also has the most amazing range I've heard from a woman, something you can hear from her debut song Jupiter. She has a lovely style of music, and most of my favourite singles from her are the ones based on classical music. Her song Jupiter is based on the Jupiter movement in the The Planets Suite, and Siciliana's melody is based on (you guessed it!) Bach's Siciliano.

This version of Ave Maria is another great cover. The first one was good, yes, but this second one is the one I'm interested in. It's got a jazzy feel to it, just the kind of sound I've been into lately, and there's a slightly livelier twist that her light voice (wanna hear her "heavy" voice?) works nicely into the song. With all due respect for classical music, I can't help feeling that her covers make it so much more accessible to uneducated, uncultured people like me.

If you still aren't a fan of Hirahara Ayaka, I'm gonna drop my last two bombs here. First; she's the one who performed the theme song for Spirited Away, as well as the concert version of Reprise. Second; SHE PLAYS THE SAXOPHONE. Not just plays; she's studying jazz and majoring in saxophone, for heaven's sake. You can't say that's not cool.

song of the day: Paradise

2011-02-24T22:27:00.000+08:00

Download sprees make me happy! But you already knew that, I'm sure.

And what have I just downloaded? It's a nice, cheery song called Paradise by Matsushita Yuya! I feel a bit conflicted being a fan of his, because I don't exactly hide my disdain for Justin Bieber's feminity, but this guy doesn't have a very masculine voice either. Still, leave that for the haters to hate.

Matsushita Yuya may not have a rich, deep voice, but he does pretty well with his mid-range voice anyway. Also, at the risk of sounding very strange, I can't help but think this dude has pretty good control over his lungs. Huh. Well anyway, this song. It's actually just more of his usual stuff; a little bit R&B, with a quick, energetic pace and a voice that sounds happy for being able to sing. What I actually want to rave about is the PV!

What can I say? The dude can dance. I already found his dancing to be pretty impressive when I watched the PVs for Honesty and for Trust Me, and the one for Bird got me really impressed, but this time the PV is so nicely structured! It's got a good helping of his dancing in it, but unlike the others, it's mixed in with some other, more calming scenes so there's a good balance and nice contrast to things.

On the flipside, though, I have this unfortunate tendency to get bored of Yuya's stuff really quickly. I abuse my repeat button for two weeks, then I start looking for another song to go nuts over. But hey, no biggie. It's still good for a casual fandom.

Unrelated note:

Listening to ABBA makes me feel like having big, fluffy hair. Seriously. I have no idea why.

Another unrelated note:

I been spamming tumblr like crazy today! *serious rock-and-roll face*

Last unrelated note:

iLike Thursdays. :3

10 things I love about Kamenashi Kazuya

2011-02-23T00:08:00.003+08:00

A rather overdue post that I feel is necessary to explain just why Kame Is Awesome, because my mysterious fandom just popped up one day and manifested itself without so much as an apologetic or explanatory peep. I didn't even have the time to warn everyone I knew, heh.

So I'm doing this as a sort of tie-in event with his birthday today! :P And by the way, these aren't the only ten things I love him for, and neither are they the top ten reasons. They're just ten of the many reasons, off the top of my head at this ungodly hour (what's new there?).

♦ ♦ ♦

#1 No false modesty
Kame knows he has tens of thousands of fans, maybe even hundreds if you include the international market, and he admits he's a bit of an attention whore and that he's always tried to look cool. Which explains his stage persona. You think he looks cool? Yeah, well, so does he. But in a nice way, not quite as obnoxious as it could be. It's rather like he thinks it's cool that he looks cool. Which is cool. Hahah.

#2 Depth
Kame likes photography, which millions of people do, and likes thinking, which considerably less do. It's interesting how his corner in the MAQUIA is such a thought-provoking commentary on the photos he takes, even if he doesn't take such visually stunning photos. What matters is what his photos mean to him and the things they make him ponder, and the way he puts that all into writing.

#3 Sobriety (to a certain extent)
Weird, but yeah. He's the youngest of the group, but the way he acts, you would think he's at least the second eldest. Of course, it isn't so good that he's so serious about work that he's almost perpetually overworking himself, but still. It's not a bad character trait to be hardworking and professional. Though maybe his seriousness is in part due to his inability to crack good jokes. Pfft.

#4 Voice(s)
Yes, the optional plural form is there, very deliberately. I love his voice, distinctive as it is, but his many, er, other voices are also brilliant. Kame does a wicked Donald Duck, by the way, among other impersonations he's demonstrated in public. And he used to mumble a lot, because he spoke too fast (that sounds familiar), but he worked on it and now he's so much clearer. Okay, maybe I should try his verbal exercises.

#5 People policy
Another familiar-sounding trait. It's a known fact that Kame likes company, and gets lonely easily, but at the same time he's mentioned how he is unable to go for too long without some alone time. He needs some time to hang around with himself and he enjoys his privacy and solitude as much as he does his social time. It's a balance thing.

#6 Normalcy
I suppose this isn't really limited as an exclusive Kame trait, but it's still a part of him that's awesome. What really made me realise how normal he was was the way he got so into his interior designing phase, when he prattled about his new sofa matching his home's new theme to anyone who would listen. It's funny and kind of cute, in a very regular way. And he's a confessed shopaholic! X'D

#7 Non-existent drawing talent
Probably the one thing that stands between him and the title of Jack of All Trades. He can't draw to save his life, for reasons best known to himself (and perhaps his parents), though he does have some freaky, avant-garde art style that frankly makes my head hurt. Kame's "drawing" of a cow in a meadow, from one of their field trips for CTKT, was nothing short of terrifying, with his novel idea of sprinkling coupy and scribbling abstract kanji all over his picture. The poem he had written to go with it, however, was great. He's a very good writer, for someone who usually spams emoticons like he's just discovered them.

#8 Acknowledgement where it's due
Kame wants to be learn English. British English, not American English. For this reason alone, I love him 30% more than I did before finding that out. Finally, a Japanese person who is more fascinated with Britain than with the USA, who knows that English came from England (despite how obvious this may seem)!

#9 Self-reflection
I wonder if all 25-year-olds are this reflective, but I've got a feeling that that isn't the case. From all his interview answers and suchlike, you can gather that Kame is constantly monitoring his personal development and evaluating where he is in life, something I wish I could do. He always gives thoughtful, honest answers to questions that don't actually require all that much work, revealing little things about himself that are at times thought-provoking, at times downright hilarious and at times a bit of both. (Like that time he talked about learning to act more masculine because he was born a guy and so had to act accordingly. *facepalm*)

#10 Appreciativeness
This dude is pretty much the kind of person who'd make a good grandma, come to think of it. He's unconventionally nice; what other lead actor runs out of a toasty room during a filming break to go and cook warm food for the filming crew?? And as if that in itself weren't cute enough, Kame's personal Keema Curry recipe requires apples, which he had a hard time finding in the dead of the night. So what does the guy do? Yeah, he went to a restaurant and begged them to sell him some, telling them his son was ill. He's so nice, but in such a weird way!

♦ ♦ ♦

Oops, wrong Kame. LOL.

♥ ♥ Much better. ♥ ♥

Guess whose birthday it is tomorrow.

2011-02-22T05:26:00.000+08:00

Shit, what have I become? I am such a fangirl plz. *bricked*

song of the day: Hymn of the Fayth

2011-02-22T00:27:00.000+08:00

From Final Fantasy X. It's pretty haunting, but I can't think of much to say about it that the music itself doesn't make clear. Huh.

ITIMLY.

song of the day: Little by Little

2011-02-21T02:29:00.001+08:00

To get this straight, this version of Little by Little that I'm talking about isn't the actual song, by Ji-yeon, but rather a cover by one of the most talented voices I've heard on YouTube in all the time I've been using it.

(I know many people get millions of views for their covers, but I feel only half of those people deserve their million hits. Others, like that eight-year-old Philippine/Canadian girl who's crazily viral right now, just don't. That kid is getting compliments like "Wow, how superb! She sings so well!" heaped on her, but to be honest I don't hear anything special in her voice. It's a video of a kid singing, and she sounds like a kid singing. That's it. It's a child's voice, people.)

Vietnamese boy Alan JW N., however, ranks higher in my book, simply because he has such a lovely voice. He may not be at the ready-to-record stage yet, but he definitely has the talent to do so. His cover of Little by Little is gorgeous, uplifting in a moment and melancholy the next, though admittedly the lyrics end rather tragically. It's sung in his lower range, which I prefer to his (much) higher one. He can sound quite unnervingly female if he wants to, I kid you not.

Please, please check his channel out. I gave little Maria a shot; surely you can give Alan one?

song(s) of the day: Lotus and Hazy

2011-02-20T22:07:00.006+08:00

I'm gonna start posting about random songs for a bit. What I'll do is keep an eye on which song I'm listening to most on a particular day and then do a little review/recommendation. And no, I'm not J-music biased. I'm just not going to bother with the stuff you've already heard on the radio, because then there'd be no point to this. Cheers. :)

Lotus, Arashi's latest single, is nice and upbeat so it's good for keeping me bouncing on the balls of my feet and generally quite cheery. I suspect it might annoy the heck out of me in a bad mood though. I've only just seen the PV today, too, and it's not bad as far as Japanese PVs go. A pretty piece of work, though I can't tell if there's supposed to be a meaning to the dark rooms and white objects.

Hazy is on the other hand a rather old song, by Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons. It's also the kind that some people (cue the dagger-glaring at narrow-minded, underexposed little brother) claim will make them fall asleep. I happen to think it's beautiful. It's soft, calm and composed; the overall feel is that of a rather sweetly phrased question. I especially love how it doesn't come across as your typical love song, considering they never once expressly imply what kind of love it is. It could be a song between best friends or lovers or both, depending on how you want to hear it. Beautiful.

w/o notice??

2011-02-19T23:56:00.002+08:00

If anyone even bothered to suffer through the KAT-TUN meme I did earlier this week, they would've noticed the abnormal number of times I cited w/o notice?? as one of my admittedly many personal favourites. I myself didn't really realise I was doing it until I found myself typing the title for the third time. Heh.

I don't know why exactly this song appeals to me so much; but it's just so hard to not include such a happifying song in your favourites! ~~And I swear it's not because of this hilariously cute performance.~~ It works miracles, this song does. You'd think going on a massive downloading spree, watching a cute, fluffy movie and listening to some pretty hardcore rock music would be my ultimate cure for moody moments, but nope. Somehow this light, playful song worked better.

Though to be honest, my real cure-all is a shower. Lol.

none of my business

2011-02-18T23:57:00.003+08:00

I'm not angry. I want you to know that. Even though so many times I've felt like I wanted to break things or just scream long and loud, the overall result isn't anger. I'm too tired for that. Instead, all I feel is a sense of hopelessness. Even as I try to explain to you what exactly is wrong, I know it won't make a difference because you're making your disinterest as visible as you can. You simply don't want to hear it. I guess it's because you're at a "rebellious age", when you think no-one who's of a different age could ever possibly understand what you're going through or what you think about things. Although you'll probably disagree with that statement as well.

Fine, I'll admit it. I don't understand. I really don't. I could theorize and hypothesize based on normal patterns to suggest logical outcomes, but I don't understand what exactly you might be thinking that would cause such horrible behaviour. I personally think being rebellious for the sake of being rebellious is a load of bullshit, but hey, lots of teens do it without thinking too much about it. But just one question. Do you really think I would even bother going out of my way just to make you angry, because I and the the rest of the world have it in for you? I don't know what you think I do in my spare time, but I assure you I have much, much better things to do than to piss you off just for kicks.

I give up. I'm tired, sick and bloody tired of trying to explain as clearly as I can to you why you're doing something wrong and why you should stop, but nothing works. Whether I raise my voice to scream or keep it level to talk reason, the moment you sense a serious conversation coming up, you stop listening. You sit there and you hear what you're told, but you don't even try to assess it to see if it might be true because from the very beginning you already believe (whether consciously or not) that it's just another lecture, full of stuff you've heard before and don't enjoy hearing. I don't know what to do. I just don't know.

So I've come to the conclusion that I just suck at trying to teach you your basic manners. I won't blame it on your ability to learn, though the fact that you need to learn at all raises some questions. No, I blame myself for being a terrible teacher. And as such, I give up. From now on, go ahead and act as depraved as you like. Go ahead and grow into that full-fledged Asshole personality that you've been gunning towards. I just don't have the energy or time to deal with this shit. I'll leave you alone starting now. One cold, grey day in the future you'll look around you and see the crap you're mired in - and when you do, don't you dare blame anyone but yourself. Not your parents, not your family, not your friends, not your teachers, not society. You're the one with the problem you refuse to acknowledge, let alone tackle.

But I'm not angry. No, seriously, I swear I'm not. Anger takes up too much energy and is too detrimental to myself more often than not. But I want it known that just because I've decided to stop bothering with anger doesn't mean I've forgiven anyone anything. Let's be clear on that.

field trip

2011-02-15T19:21:00.003+08:00

For someone who lived for nearly 15 years in Kuala Lumpur's satellite city of PJ, and whose daily classes are within technical boundaries of the federal territory, it seems unbelievable that I don't know my way around KL at all. (Have I really been living in Shah Alam for four years now?) For the most part, excursions to the city centre were pretty perfunctory - I need to go to Kinokuniya, let's go there and hurry back. I need to visit the convention centre, let's rush there and get everything settled quick. I'm catching a performance at Istana Budaya, no point in hanging around after the show.

Which was all such a mistake, now that I see how little of KL I know. I know KLCC and BNM and nothing else. Starhill and Imbi are vague shapes in my head, with only memories of having been there twice or thrice. How dare I make jokes about there only being one mall in Seremban when I haven't really explored everything in my vicinity? (I must clarify, however, that I do possess some knowledge of PJ's malls, excluding Sunway. That's just too bothersome.)

So today, I worked off a little ignorance. I had an excellent guide, of course, and the public transport system was actually really efficient. And along the way, we found a little time to have Starbucks! :P

my first KAT-TUN meme! :O

2011-02-14T23:07:00.005+08:00

Stolen and adapted shamelessly from the KAT-TUN Worldwide website. Kill me :P

1.What was your first KAT-TUN song? Do you still like it now?
I honestly can't remember. Probably something from a drama? I probably do, though!

2. What song makes you remember KAT-TUN the most?
Real Face, because it's so them.

3. What song reminds you most of each of the members?
Ka: w/o Notice. That, and Kizuna.

T: Love Music

T: (I think this title alone needs to be rated 18SX) Make U Wet, Chapter 2

U: Rabbit or Wolf?

N: Film

4. Can you distinguish all of their vocals in The D-Motion? =)
Mostly, yes. They have very individual ways of singing that make it easy to tell them apart even if their voices are made similar.

5. Whose is your favourite voice to hear in a song?
Isn't Kame my obvious answer? But I actually like Koki's voice a lot, too, so... depends on the song.

6. What PV from the singles do you like most and why?
White X'mas. Because it was poignant, soft and a beautiful fit for the song. It had a good story running through it, and the backgrounds looked fantastic. They managed to film what looked like half a city in one studio, with no CG or anything. Plus, it was done in winter-clothing, which is the bomb!

7. What song makes you cry and or feel sentimental when you listen to it?
White X'mas and Kizuna.

8. What song could pump up your spirit and get you all excited?
Going!, Ultimate Wheels (makes me feel like dancing somehow), Change Ur World (invokes wild hand gestures), Fall Down (turns me into a headbanger, seriously) and Don't U Ever Stop (self-explanatory).

9. What song makes you think "Wow, this is not KAT-TUN-like"?
They're pretty varied in genre so I don't know what would be considered really far out there for them... but The D-Motion surprised me a little, with so much chromatic Autotuning. Still pretty catchy, though.

10. What song would you like to hear when you're having a bad day?
w/o Notice if I'm feeling bored and need something to perk me up, Fall Down, Water Dance or Ai no Command if I'm really bleh and need harder stuff. When I feel like crap I generally like to drown my own thoughts out, so I usually go for more metal/rock/alternative tunes and turn it up real loud.

11. What is your favourite solo song?
I CAN'T ANSWER THIS. I like so many of the solos! Okay, maybe... 1582.

12. What song do you wish there was a PV for?
Promise Song or GOLD. Because those would be interesting to see. ^^

13. What song is your least favourite?

I don't really know, because there are quite a few songs I didn't like so much from their earlier times... I'll think of something later.

14. What concert performance of a song do you like most?
LIPS from Queen of Pirates, when they all goofed with their mics! And Lost My Way from NMP, because it was so... disturbing. Kame as a vampire was funny, with the novelty fangs and everything, but thank goodness he didn't go for the "sweet and harmless vampire" approach. He was pretty violent with those Juniors xD rofl.

15. What is your favourite song title and why? (It's not necessary to like the song itself.)
Hell, No. Because it's just so damned bad-ass.

16. What solo song would you like to see performed by another member?
I'd want to see Kame do a cover of PIERROT, or see Koki sing w/o Notice. Get them out of their usual zones! :D

17. Your most favourite KAT-TUN motivational song?
Change Ur World. I studied for exams with it blasting in my ears.

18. And your most favourite KAT-TUN love song?
One Drop, for some unfathomable reason. Does it even qualify as a love song??

19. Is there any particular part of any song that you favour so much? (Like Ueda's high note in No More Pain, or Nakamaru's beatboxing in Rescue)

Yes, Maru's beatboxing in Rescue was good, but I like Koki's rap in NMP and Kame's high note in Change Ur World more! Heh. Am I not so obviously biased?

20. To what song could you memorize the lyrics well?
NMP was the easiest, if I remember right.

Mayowanaide ikusen no hitogomi ni~

21. Which song has your favourite choreography?
Rescue's dancing was fantastic! So many backups and such flawless execution, plus the moves were interesting and different. And they were brilliant for Change Ur World, too! :) Very synchronized, quick and infectiously energetic.

22. Do you have a bias? If so, which member?

My attention is split between the five as such:

#1 Kame

#2 Koki

#3 Maru/Yucchi (I call him different things in different moods)

#4 Taguchi

#5 Ueda

...I've only just noticed how I refer to the last two by their surnames only in a very dry manner. Oh, well, it can't be helped. I'm not impartial, heh.

23. Do you have any non-KAT-TUN songs that you really hope KAT-TUN can sing in any of their shows?
Ah, I want to see them perform Inoue Azumi's Kimi wo Nosete from Laputa: Castle in the Sky! Maru's would-be cover sounded nice!

24. KAT-TUN has a number of songs that used as soundtrack of a drama or movie. Is there any song you think suited it's respective movie/drama a lot, in terms of lyric, music or scene?

Love yourself was very, very much suited to YamaNade, IMHO. The theme was very concordant with what the drama was dealing with.

25. Any song that you would like to recommend to a non-fan?

I'm actually not the type to go all out to try to convince others to listen to the stuff I do, because I know how annoying it can be after a while. Well, I was like that a while back, but now I usually mind my own business. I like to think that respecting others' musical preferences will hopefully get them to shut up about mine, though some blockheads don't get it.

If I really were to recommend KAT-TUN stuff, I'd probably start from something from the genre that the person in question enjoys. KAT-TUN are pretty varied in style, like I said, so it might be easier like that.

26. What is the one KAT-TUN song that you're most unfamiliar with?

I don't know of them much from their pre-debut times. Anything from that period, I suppose.

27. Can you guess from what song these lyrics are? (Don't tell the title, just answer whether you know or not so others can guess on their own) Don't cheat ;)
"Rise taiyou wa nobori
Shine azayaka ni moeru
Subete no inochi ka
Ima kagayaku"
Er. This is hard but I'm quite sure I know. Lol. Is it really their song, though? :/

28. What song do you consider their best single?

I don't know! *flails* Maybe... Change Ur World? Butbutbut. This question's toughhhh!

29. What is your all time favourite song? One that, even though you're not a fan anymore, there is a huge possibility you would still think, "Ah, this is a really nice song."

LIPS. It's got very nice balance. But (a) I can't say it's my "all-time favourite", just a really good song that appeals across the board, and (b) I can't imagine a future with me no longer being a fan. Seriously.

30. Any wish, hope or anything you want to say?
I would kill to go to one of their Live events. I would kill again to actually meet them. And I would kill thrice more to chat with Maru*.

The End!

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*Yes, I'd actually rather chat with Maru than Kame or Koki, my top two members. I might elaborate on this more sometime, but in short, Maru is the one whose personality is most like mine (or at least, that's the impression I get), and he's the most normal of the gang, so I think it would be a lot more comfortable. If I actually got to speak with Kame I'd be too busy gaping and freaking out to say anything coherent; if I got to meet Koki I'd be too awed and intimidated to speak. Speaking with Maru would probably be nice, funny and less stressful. :)

long post!

2011-02-13T21:30:00.008+08:00

Forgive me if this post comes out not so well finished; I've only just finished watching the footage of the big live tour, the DVD I put aside because of the exams, and I wanted to hurry and get it written down here while this feeling is still at its peak.

Seriously? After the few Live footages that I've seen, I'm now convinced that my life will be one huge waste if I die without ever having been to one of these things. I love these guys, so much it's scaring me. I'm not the type to go for boy bands, anyone who knows me can tell you that. I never liked any, not even in my foolish-eleven-year-old phase when I suppose the normal thing for any tween to do was to fall head over heels for Westlife or something of the sort. Even when I started listening to more varied music I never wavered, never loved a gay-ass boy band for anything other than their music. I never looked at bands as people beyond their music. Even KAT-TUN was initially just "that (eurgh) boy band with surprisingly good rock-esque music" - and I only noticed them for their unusual choice of sound, nothing more.

And then somehow, just somehow, I ended up discovering what they were like. Talk about life-altering moment. I don't even know how it happened exactly. Which is perhaps a little unfortunate, since it robs me of a dramatic experience, but I'm thankful enough all the same.

And it's not that I'm open to the whole fangirling thing, even now. A little part of me still cringes inside every time I tell someone about my beloved band, even though I'm actually proud of them. Some part of me still feels disbelief at my behaviour and gets shocked when I act so vapidly. And I don't think I have it in me yet to love other boy bands, simply because those other bands are too much like the boy bands I never wanted to bother with back then. They're just what I'd imagined boy bands to be, and that somehow makes them difficult to stomach.

No offense to anyone, but I can't stand boy bands with wholesome images. I can't find it in myself to like bands that produce stuff so treacly sweet, with their safe-for-impressionable-teens image and their exemplary lyrics. Neither can I find it in me to fully appreciate those that try too hard to build a cool, hard-boiled exterior - those with overly sexy lines and wild perfs. That natural, easy balance I'm partial to isn't something very common, bricked though I may be by rabid fangirls.

And it's not the looks, okay? There are a few girls I know and know of that love their boy bands for purely superficial reasons. And that's fine if you're eleven, and that boy on the poster is just so handsome, but for a girl of nineteen to act that way is very nearly frightening. It gets extremely annoying when these girls just assume you too love your band because they look good. Really, kids, stop it. Any normal fan would be revolted.

By the way... in case anyone thinks I love Kame more than I do KAT-TUN as a group, it's not true. He's my number one bias, but I love the band as a whole (not including Akanishi, not since he turned into the attitude-problem jerk he is now). I'm doing a 30Q meme on KAT-TUN in a bit, then I'll be able to express what I love about them in clearer detail. You probably don't care, but it's another look into my head, right?

So yeah. Back on that Live DVD. I can't say how awesome it simply is, can't describe the feelings I felt when I was smiling crazily the whole way through. I laughed, cried, changed for the better... okay, that last one was an exaggeration, but still. Whenever the camera panned up at Kame's happy smile, Koki's smouldering glares or Yucchi's hilarious expressions, I couldn't help but grin like a fool. Infectious energy, that was what it was. Aaah, such things make life a joy!

cherry tree twisted metal spelling bee.

2011-02-12T02:09:00.002+08:00

It's my new Line To Live By - not that I have any old ones, but this one is as good a first as any.

So I'm going through another of those phases where you've got plenty you feel like you have to say or do, but not enough time or energy to do it. Which is what everyone feels all the time, yes, but still.

I might have the tiniest bit of interest in that weird, arrogant jerk of a Glee character. And in the history of Laciel and Lydia from Inotia 3, but this is all of very little consequence.

Library Wars!

2011-02-10T05:45:00.007+08:00

Because it's probably the only story that can make a guy shorter than his girlfriend look so cool and dependable. Lol.

I want to go to the bookshop! Well, I wanted to go even before the exams ended, but now I really am quite desperate to go! Watching a show about the beauty of books definitely made it worse. I want shelves and shelves to stroll between! Or just a single, massive one would be nice, too - like the one Joo-won has in Secret Garden. Of course, I don't think it's very practical, and I'd never accumulate that many books, but hey, it looks like something to dream about.

Oh and yes, my copy of Ultimate Wheels finally arrived today! :) I love how nicely CDJapan wraps its stuff, but now from experience I can say that YesAsia appears to be the winner. And whoa, are the go-nin looking crazy awesome in that badass Mafia styling or what? Love love love love love, there's not enough space on the Internet for me to finish expressing it!

...and because I seem to have exhausted my daily quota of exclamation marks at six in the morning, I shall take my leave. Hasta la vista!

festive :)

2011-02-04T00:12:00.001+08:00

of exhaustion

2011-02-01T04:10:00.007+08:00

I'm back! *insert crazy tapdance*

It's funny how I always feel, during an event, that there're so many things I want to blog about, yet immediately afterward I realise I'm too tired for anything to be worth saying. It's not just blogging either - any activity that tempts me like sin doesn't actually get done as soon as I'm free to do it. Exams ended a good four days ago, and though I was so animatedly making lists of things I wanted to do over the week-long break, I haven't done anything I said I would, except perhaps the shopping... and even that isn't really done yet. I've been extremely unproductive in the face of the massive hordes.

It feels like all that sleep deficiency caught up with me; I've done nothing but sleep and shop for three days now, a horrible state to be in. I still haven't watched the Secret Garden specials, the seven movies on my list, the Summer Premium Live, my beloved DVD, and all those episodes of Chuck, backdated as I am. That's a huge amount of telly-time, isn't it? And when I think about the next DVD which will arrive in a few days...

And books! I've not finished Nation, Sense and Sensibility, Memories of Midnight, The Splendour Falls, The Magician's Apprentice, The Folklore of Discworld... the only ones I finished in single sittings recently are If Tomorrow Comes and I Shall Wear Midnight. That is a pretty massive pile of stuff waiting to be read, since I usually don't start a book and leave it aside for more than a day. I lose the sense of things, you know? So yeah, that's a lot. Not to mention my Complete Japanese book which was abandoned for the sake of the exams.

Meh. I need glasses.

佳

2011-01-22T17:53:00.011+08:00

I know I said I wouldn't blog, but just a quickie!

A couple of days ago, I realised that I still didn't know what my name would be like in Japanese - which came as a surprise; knowing myself, it's a wonder I hadn't tried to find out sooner. I indulged in a bit of smug superiority while I searched for a pinyin converter, because my "Japanese name" would be my real name, not just some typical internet-generated one like some others have to use. All I had to do was input my name in Chinese and it would be read as kanji, how brilliant! Of course, it's considerably less than brilliant that the only thing I can read in Chinese is my own name - and my parents sometimes forget that I can. How disturbing.

So I found a pinyin converter, and typed in my name: 佳彤

Unfortunately, my smug bubble was burst when I realised the second character isn't one of the many imported by the Japanese back when they first adopted traditional Chinese as their written language. *mope

But I was also quite delighted to find out that the first half is read as kei in Japanese, which would have been the same pronunciation used for Kaye. Isn't that most amazing? I'm getting to love my name more as time passes - and I'm not talking about "Kaye". Because at the end of the day, nothing fits me better than the one I've spent nearly two decades growing into.

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P.s.: Another three papers and I'll be free for CNY! This year, those fifteen days will mean:

a reunion even more appreciated than before, because of
the departure of an old, very close friend to somewhere new,
a change or two (I won't say what just yet, heh),
a time to contemplate the near future, and of course
a boost in finances (as always).

I haven't had a single mandarin orange yet this year. Hmm.

hurrah, it's the weekend!

2011-01-15T01:39:00.004+08:00

And that means one week of three down! It's rather unusual of me to go through an exam period this concerned about how well I do, rather than just wishing exams would end soon so the holidays can come. The last time this happened was probably SPM, though even then it wasn't such a big thing. The main focus for me is usually to just get through the exam period. Now you get why I'm such an awful student.

My DVDs arrived! The stupid postman just lobbed it over the gate, even though it was marked FRAGILE. Our postal service is the absolute pits, lower than the bottom of hell's toilets. Hmph. But thank goodness the wrapping was secure enough! In fact, the cardboard box and its lovely nesting of thick paper and bubble-wrap makes such a lovely home for my DVDs that I haven't taken them out yet. Somehow my shelf looks unsafe, heh. I should also mention that the box has a French postal stamp on it, together with the Japanese one I expected, so I guess it's no wonder the parcel took forever to get here. It's been on an adventure!

I've only allowed myself 30 of the overall running time of 220 minutes, because I decided (after 30 minutes of pure epic awesomeness) that something so amazing should be savoured with every ounce of attention I can give it - so I don't want to watch it with half my mind fretting about exams and reciting random facts. No, I'll give it my full attention after the exams. There'll be plenty of time afterwards for this. There, I've convinced myself.

But from here on out, the papers are the tough ones (although to be honest, Accounting 1 isn't included in this category), and the timing is less forgiving. So from now till the end of exams, no blogging for me. I should stop using Facebook and Twitter too, at least for the most part. I really have been grossly indulgent with myself for the past week of papers.

The aim for the next two weeks: to keep a calm approach towards studying (even if it makes me feel ill), to appear stress-free (in the eyes of everyone but my family), and to show myself some semblance of discipline and self-control. Lofty aim, especially for the gluttonous sloth that I am, but since it's short term and I'm putting it here in writing, it should be manageable. After all, the first step has to be taken sometime, eh?

psychedelic power

2011-01-13T03:50:00.004+08:00

Another filler picture, taken a short while back right after I bought a few new hair ties to join the "transpaque" family. Equals three! Welcome to the family, Chocolate, Lilac, Charcoal and Apple!

There's no story behind this, it's just another aesthetically pleasing and functionally obsolete picture that turned out so nice because the Sun was being generous with its light. I don't know exactly what it makes me think of - probably a giant sunflower or a wormhole in outer space. Don't know why. Hmm. Either way, it has this funny power that makes me feel like I'm being drawn into a bright, colourful whirlpool of sunlight every time. I guess you could say it cheers me up, heh. Colon right bracket!

So yes, is a filler. 'ta!

update: bits and pieces

2011-01-12T23:57:00.000+08:00

Hello, bloggie. I hasn't abandoned you because of the exams, don't worry. I is still going to follow my erratic blogging timing. Which means the next you hear from I may be tomorrow, but may also be next month. Heh.

But is not I's fault. I has no will to blog when I has nothing to share or nothing to think about. (When that happens, I thinks about grasshoppers and striped tablecloths, then I is all okay again.) Anyway, that means this is a filler post, meant to demonstrate my boredom and restlessness and anxiety and stress and depravity and whatnot. Also, you may have noticed I's terrible grammar. I personally thinks is kinda cute. Is funny.

Okay enough of that, it's actually taking more effort to write like that than not.

Boredom: because I don't feel like revising statistics tonight and I don't wanna sleep either.

Restlessness: because I want my parcel to arrive NAO and it feels really slooooow.

Anxiety: because it's exam time. Enough said.

Stress: because studying makes me ill. Lol.

Depravity: because I bawled like a demented baby over the last two episodes of Secret Garden.

Whatnot: because my kintoro doesn't seem to be working - but of course it takes time, no biggie.

Have I mentioned I'm finally going to learn how to cook something other than instant noodles? I'm going to learn to make pan mee after this gruelling exam period! Hehe. I'm joking about the instant noodles, by the way, of course that's not all I can make. I can also make instant soup, the kind that comes in sachets. Yup, that's me.

the way my mind works

2011-01-07T03:39:00.007+08:00

This will probably come out sounding weird, given my ineptitude at conveying messages in coherent sentences when I most need to, but I'll say it anyway. I've only just realised recently that one very odd quirk of mine is that every time after I've read someone else's writing (especially others' expressions of their opinions) for an extended period of time, I feel this urge to read my own writing for a while, like some sort of balancing routine. That, or I write something myself (and then read it).

The most common scenario would be me reading through someone's blog or maybe through some random online forum where the posts are lengthy and eloquent - when I'm done, I get this feeling that I really need to read something else (preferably something by my own hand), and fast.

I have a hunch/theory about why this is. Y'see, whether I've made it obvious or not, I'm a person who is far too easily influenced by any form of pressure. I suppose this susceptibility means I'm highly unstable mentally. Do I need to book that padded cell early or can I just check in on the spot? Anyway, what I mean to say is, the direction of my thoughts are very easily swayed. Tell me one thing and I'll start thinking, "That makes so much sense! The answer's obvious!" but the moment someone else gives me a decent argument against your point I'll think, "That's true, I didn't think of that. Okay, I'll go with this side then." It sounds very normal when I put it like that, but the difference is that I don't have a stand of my own most of the time. My impression of something changes every time a new comment pops up, even if the comment is posted by some stupid troll.

What causes this odd impulse to write is a combination of my vulnerability to influence and my Mental Voice. I probably haven't mentioned my Mental Voice in here before; basically, it's a voice I hear in my head. Before you start making my advanced bookings for that padded cell I mentioned, the voice I hear is my own. It's basically me talking to myself - which, come to think of it, might also warrant the padded cell...

"Shall I put you on hold or would you like to speak to you?"

But anyway. Continuing on.

So as I think, I speak to myself to make my own thoughts clearer to myself. And it's not in any way like how I speak to people normally; I think 65% in English, 28% in my own weird mindspeak (which includes images, by the way), 3% in Malay/Chinese, 2% in odd, random Japanese phrases and quotes, and 2% in a kind of freestyle limbo, where I think using snatches of phrases from my current obsession. If I'm into K-drama I fill that 2% with things like "cho neun Kaye imnida" but if I'm crazy about Old Spice commercials I fill it with "swan dive!" See, there's my susceptibility to influence working right there. Buffer solution, I am not.

As might be obvious by now, this means that as I read, it's as though my Mental Voice is reading aloud to me - which certainly explains why I need some semblance of quiet to read: I cant hear it otherwise. Now, with my super-susceptibility to whatever my Mental Voice reads to me, you can imagine that reading someone else's opinion results in me hearing my own voice say it to me as though it's my own opinion. If it's just a little it's not so bad, but if I read for too long anything that isn't plain narrative, I get very disoriented and I feel my own thoughts being replaced by someone else's. Even the pattern changes, so my writing style gets distorted. So when I feel the confusion settling in, my first instinct is to forcefully reestablish my style in my head, by forcing myself think in the way I usually do. Sort of like finding my center, to use a meditation phrase.

You've probably guessed by now that this unnecessarily long post is here for the exact reason I'm blabbering about. You'd be right. I'm writing all this in a sort of frenzy, to reinforce my own personality in my own head - how sad is that? Oh, I'm pathetic. *facepalm*

I'll continue with the long ranty posts for the foreseeable future. I've got so many things in queue!! Stupid exam period is heightening my need for escapism, yeesh.

Into the New World (gasp)

2011-01-06T21:05:00.003+08:00

[link] <-- click!

I don't know how to explain it, but somehow I'm always happy when I've got downloads running - the only thing that tempers the otherwise grumpy impatience. The same goes for awaiting the shipment of an order from online stores. Oh, this age of instant gratification is so twisted.

happiness in the mail

2011-01-05T15:32:00.002+08:00

My first order arrived on Monday! Change Ur World and No More Pain, both limited edition releases. They're in good condition, thank goodness! So YesAsia gets a few brownie points from me now; I'll wait until the CDJapan parcel arrives before I deliver my verdict.

Also: my order came with a free toy! It's just one of those cheap gacha capsules, but it's still the most adorable thing a free toy can be! I haven't thought of a name yet, but when I do I'll tell you. Haha.

By the way, my DVD player appears to be region-free. FIST PUMP YEAH!!

we need a little recap...

2011-01-02T19:27:00.011+08:00

Oh, dear. I started drafting this before Christmas and now look. It's already the second day of the new decade! And I can't blame it all on my lack of a computer; I really do procrastinate on an unbelievable level. Hmm. Well anyway. I don't normally do this, but I feel like the end of ~~this year~~ 2010 should be documented, for various small reasons and a few significant ones. Uh, I should probably change the publish date, though...

♦ ♦ ♦

2010 felt like it came in two separate parts for me, as though I lived for two years within those 365 days. Maybe it's because college life came in two semesters? During the first, I was downright miserable and emo; it's a miracle I still have friends. No, wait, that's not it. My friends are themselves miracles to me, each and every one. They were the cause and the cure for my depression, really. I was unhappy because I felt friendless and alone after having been so dependent on their company for so long. Because I don't make friends easily, the feeling was augmented, and I spent most of my time pining for time to turn back to our days of school, at the point where I only had a vague idea of how much I would miss it when we left. I wallowed nearly every day in infuriating melancholy, being foolishly irrational - what remained of my common sense kept telling me that "this is life, so just shut up and get a move on", but that didn't work nearly as well as the comfort derived from the time spent with friends, which is now all the more precious for its scarcity.

I still don't know how I shook off that depression and stopped thinking about suicide, but in the second half of the year I think I became quite normal again. I started hanging out more with my classmates, I got used to not seeing besties every day - more importantly, I think I just got sick and tired of my behaving like a spoilt pain-in-the-behind, of hating everything I saw (including the face in the mirror) and of the perpetual exhaustion I felt.

The later half of the year was also a tad more hectic, plus it marked the beginning of some rather odd things - a handful of new friendships, a slightly less intimidating outlook, a wonderful discovery... Even my silly stalker incident is funnier on hindsight. And I will always remember 2010 as the year I started battling the insecurity and fear of being totally replaceable as a person - bet you didn't know I had that, heh. It's still an ongoing effort, anyway.

Also, in case I haven't annoyed/bored/pissed you off enough yet with this post, I will never forget 2010 as the year I fell in love with Kame. I know how stupid it seems to stick a bit of fangirling in with a serious post like this, but really. It means a lot to me. I'm sure you know how it feels: when you're unhappy and no-one is there for you and all you have is that beautiful music that seems to say everything you couldn't explain... To paraphrase Kame himself, music has no effect on someone with neither sadness nor happiness - but if you meet the right musical piece in a moment of frustration, it becomes a form of support. This person is, to me, that beautiful something that becomes my panacea in times of relapse into depression.

But maybe "depression" is too strong a word. I wasn't dangerously suicidal, I was just spending a lot of time being morbidly curious about what would happen if I died. Curious enough to consider suicide once, but that was all. So I probably shouldn't use that word, for fear of making my whiny attitude earlier last year seem more serious than it actually was, but for the life of me I can't think of a better word to use. I might return to edit this later, but the procrastinator in me casts doubts on that.

I have no idea how to end a post like this. Is it enough to say I hope I grew in 2010, if only by a little? I don't feel like I've changed. But maybe this kind of change comes slowly. I'll document it if I ever notice it occurring.

♦ ♦ ♦

I wish any reader a good year ahead; one that brings you much happiness, but also a little sadness, so the happiness can be appreciated more; one with success borne of mistakes and lessons learned; one where bonds are forged despite differences and held despite distances. Thank you for reading this.

♦ ♦ ♦

ps: the links are all there as proper documentation of my, er, evolution throughout the year. They're quite interesting as supporting posts, and it's the first time I've attempted such a feat, so feel free to revisit the past!

hands down winners

2011-01-02T16:18:00.006+08:00

Decided to just go with CDJapan. The amount of stress caused by the indecision (and the worry that the limited editions would run out of stock) was absurd - I'll just order it tonight and go through the exam period only stressing over my papers and not about the worrisome quality of my package's shipping.

Speaking of the exam period...

I stopped watching almost all the dramas I was following because it took up insane amounts of time, but I'm still allowing myself one: Secret Garden. I can catch up with the rest at leisure in February, but this one is something else entirely.

In fact, just watching this puts me off all the others because it's so much more real and serious - face it, MMM fans, a sweet and goofy little love story between two kids is no comparison for one between realist adults who have so much more to consider in life than just their feelings. It's not a "star-crossed lovers" plot, it's about people dealing with the responsibilities and consequences that come with their actions - portrayed very well by the two leads and the two supporting, and that's not my bias. Just check out their ratings - they're number one for ratings in Korea, with an awesome 29.3% nationwide!

Okay, rant's over. By the way, I'm changing the labels on my posts from now on; instead of just "fanpost", I'll be more specific. Another step towards the development of my blog into a fanblog, ohnoes!

CDJapan vs. YesAsia

2011-01-02T03:59:00.006+08:00

I'm in a real dilemma over which site to buy my stuff from. I've already narrowed it down to these last two, cdjapan and yesasia. I initially had it down to four, but then decided to scratch out Amazon and HMV (Amazon because the system was too confusing for my sleep-deprived brain to navigate, plus it involved secondhand merchandise - the horror! HMV because their shipping is expensive, you're signed up for express mailing without any say in the matter). The problem is, these sites have twigged aeons ago that because what they're selling is pretty much homogeneous, some form of product differentiation is necessary.

The result? A huge headache for me. See, CDJapan is known for being very quick and extremely helpful. They also don't have much problems with stocking and are very good for getting all those freebies that come with first-press limited editions. Speed is their best feature - it's amazingly speedy; sometimes you get your order on the day it's released!

YesAsia loses out on the gross price factor, because theirs are noticeably higher than those on CDJapan. But then again, it's actually just them hiding their shipping costs - because this site proudly promotes its Free Shipping offer. So net price-wise, YesAsia is actually cheaper.

However.

CDJapan costs more. Money is a sore point, with heavy weightage in this issue.

YesAsia has more cons, but its overall cheaper price makes it a serious contender still. This site tends to be rather erratic with its delivery - for some orders, it can be surprisingly efficient, but many have complained about having to wait for weeks to get their purchases, and sometimes never get their packages (which have already been paid for). Worse, some unsatisfied customers say that the customer service department is completely unhelpful when contacted, saying they don't know where the shipment is. They also have been said to be unreliable when it comes to getting the all-important freebies. This, I've heard, is because they actually only start sourcing for products when an order has been placed - which makes them a lot less attractive.

Both, apparently, are pretty good when it comes to packaging orders - plenty of protective bubble-wrapping. There have been a couple of stories about YesAsia's products being damaged, but that probably isn't a frequent occurence. CDJapan does have better packaging, though - they bubble-wrap your stuff, put it in a cardboard box for extra protection and tape it to the inside of the box to minimise movement.

Now, this post might seem to be slanting a whole lot towards CDJapan, but as I said, money is a pretty big factor. CDJapan's cost comes out to be about RM50 more expensive than on YesAsia, which could buy me a normal album in local stores already. That having been said, if I'm already spending a few hundred on this stuff, maybe an extra fifty to guarantee its quick arrival in good condition is worth it - it would not be funny to have my hundreds of ringgit disappear somewhere in the Pacific.

I don't know, really I don't. Someone decide for me, please - before stocks run out! :(

Balance checking

2010-12-31T15:25:00.005+08:00

Right, let's be systematic about things and calculate everything properly, so I'll at least have a pretty good estimate of how much my indulgences (hah) are going to cost. [By the way, it's quite remarkable how all my mistyped words (my sausage fingers are not compatible with touch screens) keep getting the old AutoCorrect treatment. Brilliant, that.]

So let's see...

Prices roughly converted from USD, as quoted on YesAsia.com

NO MORE PAIИ World Tour 2010 DVD : RM220

NO MORE PAIИ : RM128

Change Ur World : RM80

Going! :RM28

Ultimate Wheels (preorder) : RM65

March 2011/April 2012 Calendar (preorder) : RM124

Total : RM645.

OMG, just for a fangirl phase?

Eurgh. I'm gonna be broke before the new year even begins. Okay, fine, I understand that the tour DVDs come with plenty of extra stuff, but still. A 6-disc box of K-drama costs less than half that price. Eurghhhh. But Ultimate Wheels, I have no problems with - it's a CD+DVD set, so the price is fair enough. The calendar... well, I don't know if I want it enough. A calendar half the size of an A4 paper for that price? Does printing cost that much nowadays?

...but it's not about the manufacturing cost, is it? At the end of the day, what matters is what I think it's worth. Whether the satisfaction can outweigh the cost. If the happiness that item can bring me is worth more than what I'm willing to pay, bravo me, consumer surplus. If I'm not willing, I'm not even part of the demand curve. So...am I willing? I can probably find scans online if I tried hard enough, but to be honest, I'm not sure if I can actually call myself a fan while I listen to bootlegged music. Which is also why I decided to buy original anime and drama DVDs if I liked them enough.

I tend to get a little carried away when browsing online stores, simply because the availability of everything is awe-inspiring. Already I'm thinking of getting heaps of random little things like bauble beanies and shades and stylised headphones; what's worse is that while I'm at it I keep noticing other things and wondering if I should buy it for someone's birthday. I think this happens mostly because the people in question are normally really hard to shop for, so it's pretty amazing to find stuff for them so easily online. Meh.

The black hole that's totally skinning me out.

Soooo. I guess it's time to start finding a job? Better yet, I'll just sit tight until CNY comes around and I get my mini-windfall! Muahahahahahahahahahahahaha

money money money, must be funny...

2010-12-30T03:35:00.006+08:00

Hello everyone, this is me struggling to get used to typing on a touch screen like a total technology noob. I would just like to comment upon the worrying state of my finances now that I've discovered the wonders of online shopping... not to mention the green light I've been given to utilise my parents' credit cards for my purchases. I suspect they're this nice about it because they'd rather let me use their cards and let them see what I buy than have me sneakily purchasing goodness-knows-what behind their backs. Which is a good thing both ways because at least they'll be able to exert some form of control over my spending. If I really were left to do as I pleased on those online stores, I'd clean out my bank balance within a fortnight.

Anyway, the point is. WHY THE HECK DOES BEING A PROPER HYPHEN COST SO MUCH? Johnny-san you clever old rat. November 17th, Change Ur World comes out. December 29th, the world tour DVDs. February 2nd, Ultimate Wheels. And then there'll be the March 2011-April 2012 calendar, right? And it's about how many hundred bucks in total?? ARGH I COULD KILL YOU. Arghhhhhh.

ps: If my parents found out that the stuff I'm buying isn't even in a language I can understand, my transactions would be stopped and my accounts frozen. Lol. But it's a chance I want to take! I'm that obsessed, yup.

this is why the year-end rocks my socks

2010-12-25T03:53:00.006+08:00

Hell, yeah! Music Station Super Live 2010 was the bombiest of bomby bombs!

I would've embedded the Arashi, NEWS, Koda Kumi, SNSD, KARA and YUI performances as well, but I wanted this post to focus on my favourites. They were superb, every one of them. Kame's splendid showmanship as always, Taguchi's light-up-the-world smile, Koki's ever-awesome voice and hair, Ueda's funny Jin-hat, Nakamaru's attempt at winking...

*dies*

digital paintings

2010-12-24T03:05:00.010+08:00

There's an artist on dA, going by the name alicexz, who has been a wonderful source of gorgeous wallpapers for me through this past month. (Oh, yeah, I change my wallpapers often. Recycling can and does happen, though.) She is, I think, a graphic designer currently based in New York - and she paints the most amazing digital paintings in Photoshop, a number of which I downloaded to use as my desktop background - my favourite being her fan art of Ghibli films and Disney classics. I like them so much, in fact, that I'm posting this here pretty aimlessly, unless you can count "wanna show y'all something cool" as an actual aim.

Visual treat!

Hahaha. You can't not love Scar's face in the third picture! The lighting in the picture of Esmerelda is lovely - that's the only reason it's a favourite, I'm not a fan of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I am a fan of Mulan, though!

"Punch him. It's how men say hello."

"My little baby, all grown up and off to destroy people... *sniff*"
"Dishonour! Dishonour on you, dishonour on your cow..."

"Ahh, come on. You went to save your father's life. Who knew you'd end up shaming him and disgracing your ancestors and losing all your friends."

"Whaddya mean you're not lucky? You lied to me?! (turns to the horse) And what are you, a sheep?!"

Mushu's lines were the best!

Oh, and... as for the last picture: if you don't know why I love it so much and made it slightly larger than the rest, you probably don't know me very well.

...And now I'm just plain lost.

2010-12-20T20:14:00.005+08:00

I made up my mind last week that I would, no matter what, buy myself a decent mp3 player for Christmas - I've tried to hint to my dad that I quite needed a new one, lots of times, but after three months of "Okay, yeah, sure, go and get one then" I came to terms with the fact that he would only keep giving me permission, not the funds, to get one. So I'd have to get myself one if I wanted it badly enough - which had me continuing to use the nearly-dead player function on my phone for a while, until I got sick and tired of spending several whole minutes trying to successfully start the connection, only to be rewarded with extremely choppy functionality every time I wanted to plug my headphones in.

So miserly old me finally decided to get a proper mp3 player, because I really can't work, stone or kintoro without music. And none of that crap about playing it out loud; I live in a relatively quiet neighbourhood (except for those gossiping maids from opposite who're noisier than mating banshees in the evenings, and those spoilt kids screaming at each other on their tricycles) and I don't think my mum will appreciate me playing music aloud at two in the morning. I'm not even supposed to be awake at two, actually, so considering the fact that loud music might be a just few decibels short of Nuclear Explosion levels of discretion, that's not such a brilliant plan.

Yeah, I kind of like my music loud enough to drown out the sounds of anything else.

Anyway, enough waffling about. Getting right down to it, I'm getting severely confused as to what kind of player to buy. At first I thought my needs and specifications were pretty clear - I just need something that gives me good, portable audio, so that I can carry my entire music library around. To start off, I gave in to conformity and decided to check out the iPod range. Initially, I wasn't considering the Touch at all because I don't need video functions. I was thinking a Nano would suffice, but the new generation is pretty ugly... Then the elder brother comes and says, "Eh, get the iPod touch. You can watch all your videos on it and download all those apps and stuff."

So I get swayed by his cunning sales pitch and now I keep thinking how fun it would be to be able to watch videos on the go (and by videos you know I almost definitely mean KAT-TUN PVs). And then, as though the derailment isn't enough, I suddenly find myself considering the Sony W-series, the kind that's basically a Shuffle with better audio quality, less mess and (coolest bit coming right up) waterproofing. And then I start going to gadget review sites and forums, and finding more and more options... Will I even reach a decision by Christmas??

Blegh, me and my over-susceptibility to random influence. How laaaa.

FOUND IT!

2010-12-19T18:33:00.006+08:00

Don't know how I did it, but I somehow managed to crack the password protection on the Change Ur World PV Making file on Mediafire. Yes, yes, yes! Brilliant! Hee hee downloading it now. *spam here with I-Love-KAT-TUN rantings*

In the meantime, I'm listening to this:

Lols. Fangirl attack, much.

Hahaha. Now I can't wait for Tuesday! :)

ps: For some reason, I feel compelled to remark on the bow-tie in the above image. It's kinda...

feeling christmas-y!

2010-12-18T00:58:00.004+08:00

I like this season.

I don't know if it's because the Christmas spirit is such an infectious one, but I find myself looking forward to Christmas whenever I see Christmas-themed ads in the paper or games on the internet. I can't understand it - it's not like my family has ever made a big deal about celebrating Christmas. We don't exchange gifts so I don't have presents to look forward to. I even have big fat exams looming up like ugly warts on my calendar right after the 25th. So why is it that I'm so hyped about Christmas this year?

There can only be one reason : tokyohive's Christmas Giveaway!

Feels as though I've never wanted anything as much. I WANT TO WIN SO BAD! Especially because Change Ur World is on the prize list - but really, I wouldn't mind almost anything on that list. Unfortunately, it's pretty much a lucky draw system - it's quite, quite random. Which means I have something like a one in two million chance of getting picked. I've always sucked at lucky draws. :(

Oh, and if anyone's interested, there's a similar event being held over at allkpop, tokyohive's sister site! It doesn't take much effort, and there's no harm in trying out for a prize - and if you're my opposite in terms of luck, you'll almost definitely get one! :) I'd be extremely envious, sure, but it is the season to have open, generous hearts, isn't it?

Merry Christmas, dear readers!

meet...

2010-12-13T20:51:00.007+08:00

...the Kame Quintet.

Alright, I'll admit it: I already knew I was going to buy turtle-themed souvenirs back from Pangkor before I even reached the island. But these exceeded expectations, really they did. :D Even my uncle went and bought some after I showed my purchases off during lunch. Ehehe. Anyway, the point of this post is to introduce these kyoot things to you - properly, before anyone decides on a favourite based on looks alone. :/

1. Padgett. A quiet, modest fellow who struggles with angrophobia on the inside. Has a notably strange habit of polishing his shell with wood polish when stressed. Make no mistake; when backed into a corner, Padgett's inner demon comes out with a vengence. He is allergic to green apples and hates sticky things.

2. Viridian, as green as his name and, quite naturally, an environmentalist-hater. He therefore makes it a point to pretend he's chewing on plastic bags whenever he sees activists nearby - you know, just to get them agitated and sad. A Libra, though his eccentricity makes him wish he were a Scorpio. Likes sour foods.

3. Lenore, the only real girl in the gang, is a cream-yellow oddball who likes chocolate and an expert on the medicinal properties of turpentine. Tends to count backwards; for example, Lenore insists that her shell has -3 spots. It might also interest you to know that her favourite types of wood are rowan and elm.

4. Weaver is misleadingly feminine in appearance, being in truth a male who simply likes the colour pink. He has, in fact, a long-time girlfriend named Lyla, a sweet-natured girl with whom he has been madly in love for the last four years. He hates spicy food; the only exception is Lyla's special Keema Curry.

5. Willow, on the other hand, is technically a female, but if you ever mentioned it in front of her you'd get a black eye and a broken nose within seconds. Other than that, her unruly streak rarely shows itself - she enjoys classical music and ballads, and is afraid of fake hair. She also has zero sense of direction.

Pick one, or my heart will break!

| /\-|\/| SO CD\|---|---P\//

2010-12-10T00:31:00.002+08:00

I had reason to be happy this morning. Mmmmmm. :) It freaks me out a little, but I'm still smilinggg. Hah.

seethe

2010-12-07T15:27:00.005+08:00

Facebook is nice and all, but I like blogging when I've any more than two sentences to say.
In this case, I have considerably more.

I am extremely upset right now, and so whatever I'm typing is not being filtered apart from the usual grammar screening - and even that is not at its best now because of this all-consuming anger. And yes, the one person I could count on to listen to my rant and to help me calm down is out gallivanting merrily somewhere far away, hence my desperate resort of turning to my blog. I'll probably talk his ears off later, but who the hell cares about his ears.

So. I'm not happy.

Why. Because I just spent the better part of two hours working on something I was told to do, and at the end of it I was told none too politely how it wasn't needed after all. I did not enjoy working on it, I have much better things to fill my time with, I tried hard to do it well. I finished it, turned it in with relief and was hanging around to watch for a reaction. Oh, I got one all right. I got one of utter puzzlement, together with a question of "What is this?" and then a titter of humiliating amusement, followed by a declaration of my work's redundance.

Also. I obviously got angry, I said fine, and I promptly disposed of my work. And how insulting, then, to be told that I was throwing a tantrum simply because my work was unusable. But was that not my point precisely? Why keep it when it is useless? To remind me of this incident, to needlessly anger myself in the future? And now the antagonist in question is pointedly pretending nothing happened, daring even to give me more work to do. The nerve. The sheer bloody nerve of it.

Who. There's only one person who would do something like that to me whom I would not have punched immediately.

See, there's no way I could've said this in any satisfactory manner on Facebook.

my week has been a mess.

2010-12-03T16:36:00.003+08:00

What with one thing and all the others, this past week has been full of unsavoury events. The one thing that saved me from complete and utter depression was you, though I'm sure you don't know it - and you never will, but that's okay. Thank you, Sleeves, for existing. Thank you so much.

it's a secret, but...

2010-11-30T23:26:00.003+08:00

"She's the woman I'm seeing."

"...No way. She's not your type."

"And you think you were?"

I'm starting to like stupid shouting Oska. :) Look how admirably he deals with his bitchy ex.

the rain today hurt.

2010-11-29T23:41:00.003+08:00

and i'm leaving this here as a post so that in half a year or so, i can look back at it and laugh in embarrassment at how silly i was. for this truly is madness, without rhyme or reason, and as madness usually is it is also unstoppable. i know for certain that i will laugh at myself in the future when i think back to this, but it's hard to reason with the irrational part of me right now.

i know how this will turn out.

moping in the corner

2010-11-28T22:43:00.004+08:00

What's with the sudden surfeit of people going to Japan recently? Why?

ARE YOU ALL BEING EBIL ON PURPOSE?!

post-mock gloom

2010-11-20T02:38:00.010+08:00

I have found, in all my limited experience of accounting exams, that I have this infuriating tendency to make mistakes immediately upon commencement of the paper. You see, Question 1 always involves a Balance Sheet and mine never balances on the first try. Never. And no matter how hard I try to spot the error, no matter how closely I scrutinise the question, no matter how much I recalculate, it doesn't balance until the very end, after I finish the rest of the paper and turn back to go through it again.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I suppose sometimes it really is important to take a step (or maybe a few steps) back when things seem impossible to solve. Sometimes the harder we try, the further we back ourselves into a narrow corner and the more difficult it becomes to see what went wrong. Giving things time (but not too much, the exam doesn't provide for much extra time) allows us to take a deep breath and perhaps calm down a little. Even if you're still a bundle of nerves when you come back to the problem (I'm usually not, though, I have a funny calmness at this point - rather like someone in the face of mortal danger who's already accepted death as a highly possible outcome), having seen and solved the other problems gives you a tiny boost in confidence that makes a not-so-tiny difference.

Solving other problems, no matter how simple, is great because it gives you a sense of empowerment. It makes you realise that whatever is thrown at you has a solution and that this solution can be found using what you have - most of the time, the key to solving a problem lies within the problem itself - and in that way, you strengthen yourself mentally against the big problem from earlier.

I don't know if this can be applied for anyone else or whether it's just me; some of you brainy people might not even have trouble with your first balance sheet. But yeah, it's just one of those epiphany moments.

p.s.: Look, I applied accounting to life! Ooh I'm a genius. I'm using this for mah Ps! (*warning you not to steal or you'll get caught by CopyCatch*)

fly high

2010-11-19T01:27:00.007+08:00

Hellz yeah it's Friday. Which means the big ol' accounting mock exam is today. Be very afraid!

I'm not as sleepy as I thought I'd be (rather the opposite, in fact); I think it's the excitement. Not from the prospect of the test, obviously, but from watching too much drama. The website isn't called DramaCrazy for nothing. :/ Anyway, I'll just wing the test the way I usually wing the revisions. Should be alright. I hope. Hee, dramas.

There's always a microscopic, remote chance that someone might be curious so these are the shows I'm following:

1. SungKyunKwan Scandal

[on KBS World (it's on Astro - top-notch subbing!)]

2. Mary Stayed Out All Night a.k.a. Marry Me, Mary

(the male leads are brilliant)

3. Secret Garden

(odd, very different, but interesting so far)

4. **** *****

(I'm keeping this nugget under wraps because it's so clever that I want to go around quoting it, haha. It's the only Japanese one on this list though...)

Happy happy me! :D

*gets bricked by Ms. Anu for failing test*

p.s.: I realised today that I'm still as much in love with Kame as ever, that my recent lack of extreme fangirlism was just me finishing with the insane freshie phase. Yay!

a message to my stalkee

2010-11-17T00:38:00.002+08:00

Dear whoever-you-are,

I apologise if you are freaked out by the fact that I seem to be popping up all over the place, and that I seem to always be loitering outside your classroom. You see, the truth is that I am a stalker and I have totally been stalking you for the last two or three months (the days blur when I am able to gaze upon your unearthly visage, I have lost count). I have been watching you very closely and am now able to hang around just outside whatever classroom you're using whenever your class ends.

Yes, I am definitely a stalker. Don't be afraid, I'm a very benign sort of stalker. I just want to see you every single day that I am able to. Seeing you brightens up my day and I can enter my next class with a smile after each encounter. So yes, don't be afraid of me.

Seeing you today was the best thing that could have happened to me. I could feel happy electricity coursing through my, uh, nerves (?) as our eyes met through the dirty glass of your classroom door. Of course the starfish on the screen that I was laughing at was a cover, smoke-screen. I was secretly there in hopes that I would see you. Your hair looked fantastic today, too. I nearly reached out to touch it, but regained my self-control in time. As I promised, I'm a benign stalker, content just to skulk around and stare at you.

So, my stalkee (whatever your name is), I hope you aren't unnerved or anything and that you won't avoid me. I really, really want to continue accidentally-on-purpose bumping into you.

Sincerely,

your stalker.

Let tomorrow come NOW!

2010-11-16T21:34:00.004+08:00

Kame's high notes are KILLING me. Thought it was Ueda when I first heard the song, but when I found out it was Kame I was really impressed! See, they don't need Jin to be amazing. He can go on with his Yellow Gold Tour for all I care (and, by doing so, fill my inbox with spam from Johnny's International). I'm not really an Akame fan, ugh.

Kame looks a lot healthier and happier these days. I'm glad. :) There was a point just a few months ago where he looked so drawn and tired that I really wished he'd stop working so hard. Sure I'd see him a lot less, but I'd rather see him less than see him looking so ill... Anyway, he looks better now, so yay! Maybe interior designing is therapeutic! :D

short-term goal:

2010-11-15T21:31:00.002+08:00

- to be able to meet your eyes and with a straight face introduce myself as 'Kaye'.

Seriously. It's HARD. I'm trying to slowly convince myself that it's okay, but at the back of my head I'm screaming at myself, You're not Kaye, you're Kar Tong, don't be such a wannabe RWAR! so it gets kind of odd. Meh. Meh. MEH.

MEH.

snip

2010-11-14T10:21:00.001+08:00

Finally, finally got my hair cut! It's nice and short now, so it'll be a while before I have to brave a hairdresser's again. You know how much it unnerves me. *shiver* I did get it a tiny bit layered near the bottom though, so that might need some degree of maintenance. Meh.

(The woman who cut it this time apparently does Datin Rosmah's hair. My first reaction was "Eww, I don't want Datin-hair" but it turned out fine, so no complaints! Heh.)

Before:

After:

And a special bonus! Presenting...

WAY, WAY BEFORE:

I was a sweet kid, really! I started turning into the mean crosspatch hag that I am now when I was around eight, I think. Anyway, I think the Before picture makes me look better than the After one, but that was angled better, had nicer lighting and was taken precisely because I thought I looked surprisingly cheerful at the moment. The other was taken spontaneously to document the haircut, so no comparisons should be made. About the last picture... ah, long gone are the days when I could look so nice in a candid shot.

And about why I camwhore in my bathroom, of all places, it's because I'd be bonkers to camwhore in the vicinity of any family members and my room has terribly flat artificial lighting. So I go to the bathroom where there's beautiful natural light.

p.s.: The last one is also a precursor to something I'm gonna do later - I've got a a bunch of childhood pictures (mostly Shawn's baby pictures) that I'm scanning slowly into the computer. He needs a new profile picture (more like I need to get my stupid face out of his current one).

p.p.s.: Look at the first one again. Should I dye my hair? :O

fifteen, there's still time for you...

2010-11-13T19:17:00.001+08:00

Is it just me or are the early twenties a worrying part of a person's life? It's disheartening to see people of just about twenty-four who look so world-weary and tired, especially when I compare them to how they were a mere three or four years back. Back then, they looked more like happy, cheerful kids; now they're solemn adults, undoubtedly more professional and skilled, but also less energetic and infectiously smiley.

This disturbs me far more than it should. I can't help feeling inexplicably sad (and subsequently pessimistic) about it. How do four years age a person so?

[edit] looking for labels

2010-11-12T23:31:00.001+08:00

Here's something I've been meaning to get done for years: get myself a name people can actually remember. I'm not sure what my feelings are on people who randomly give themselves English names when the only reason they have is that their Chinese name doesn't sound as cool as, say, Fish or Oxide (though I have a tiny idea that my feelings lean towards disapproval), but I don't care anymore. I have to give myself one soon, or no-one in whatever university I end up in will ever be able to remember who I am.

(In any case, I've been progressively doing more and more things that I used to be determined to hate over the last few years so I guess it doesn't matter now if I get super OOC.)

With that said, I need to find a name. I don't want weird nouns (see underlined examples above) or crazy, airy-fairy made-up names (Carmellinia/Melodaisy/whatever), nor do I need odd values (Prudence, much?). I also could use a lot less of oh-so-mysterious names that would, frankly, better suit a cat (like Seraphina or Melusine).

Nice, relatively normal names. Surely they can't be hard to find. Rhea's nice but might sound too pretentious for a self-chosen name, Eris has an interesting meaning but doesn't fit... I've always been partial to the letter K (big surprise), but there aren't a lot of suitable names beginning with that letter. Bah. There's really not much one can do with a surname like mine. =_=

Buggrit, buggrit, millenium hand and shrimp.

*edit!*

Since I've always been partial to Kaye, let's run a trial run for the next week. Here we goooo~

mix and match

2010-11-06T23:54:00.002+08:00

Been cracking my head all the last week over the funny things I discovered at the back of my wardrobe earlier. Stuff bought on impulse: there's more of it than I thought. I'd no idea I was such an impulsive shopper. And such random things! Five-toed socks, stripy sleeves (a la the neighbourhood auntie who goes driving in hot weather but doesn't want burnt arms), bright orange shoelaces, oddly-patterned shorts... Anyway. Was trying all week to figure out how to make use of those things, but really, what can one do with them? Besides the socks, those can be worn around the house when I'm cold. Meh.

fights

2010-10-30T23:10:00.005+08:00

"Ah, but see us go our separate ways..."

Despite what some may think, I'm not fond of picking fights and starting arguments. I don't have what we Malaysians would call a debater's manner of going around being antagonistic and challenging others for the sport of it. I usually only pick out mistakes in other people's statements because I'm some kind of a grammar Nazi and silly errors annoy me, not because I want to engage in verbal battle. When I do have to argue, I prefer keeping things strictly rational and steady - the worst kinds of opponents are the kinds that rage, storm and refuse to admit that they're not making sense. And when I say fine, let's stop here, I mean it. It is extremely frustrating to have to say it more than twice.

85% of my fights are with the kinds of opponents I can least stand, but they're probably the reason why I can't stand their type in the first place. Meh.

change ur world

2010-10-29T05:39:00.004+08:00

A preview on Kame's own radio show, Kase by Kase! Happy is me. :) They've gone back to semi-rock! I've replayed the preview so many times since Saturday that I might just get tired of the song before it actually gets released next month... but no matter, there's always the PV (and the making of it) to look forward to! Never mind the fact that I have a serious mock exam two days after the release date, I'll be waiting online all day for the downloads to become available. :D

If only they had a wider fanbase here, I wouldn't have to be criminal about it and could've just bought the single (all three editions, woohoo) in original form, but nope. Not a peep. :(

kuro

2010-10-27T04:24:00.004+08:00

Spent far too much time fooling around with my fingernails today, but the results are none too shabby for a first-timer's attempt with such things. I am now (according to Shawn) certified semi-emo! Because only one hand has black nails, haha. :D Black is such an interesting colour for nails! I feel a little bit like Sebastian now. Or like Koki, come to think of it. Hmm. :/

I sound so bimbotic. It worries me.

Oh, my thumb's hideous. But who cares, my ring finger looks great!

Give me a week or two, maybe I'll be done laughing by then.

2010-10-23T05:20:00.007+08:00

Mi Nam's Generation! Super awesome parody, with Lee Hongki in heels, LOL. I maintain that Jang Geun Suk makes quite a damned pretty female. Tae Kyung = ♥

Something that showcases just how crazy the love rivals are. I have no idea what Tae Kyung is doing to the wall, by the way.

Can't - stop - laughing!

Probably only so hilarious if you know how super serious most of these characters are within the actual story. Especially Mr. Biting Frost himself, whose actor is in actual fact a total dork worthy of rivaling SJ's Heechul. Oh, what am I going on about? They're ALL such dorks in these vids! ♥

an exploding... heart??

2010-10-23T01:05:00.001+08:00

Strange metaphors these people do use.

unproductivity

2010-10-20T22:49:00.001+08:00

Today I should have:

1 Completed my economics homework.

2 Carried out my hour of self-teaching Japanese.

3 Redone them transparencies.

4 Bound my economics PYQ book.

5 Bought batteries.

6 Looked up fractures.

7 Typed out my lesson plan.

8 Downloaded the pictures from the camera.

Today I have:

1 Not done any of the above.

2 Spent two hours watching Le Premier Verre.

. . . Rats. I really am the embodiment of procrastination.

ballads and the like

2010-10-20T00:19:00.000+08:00

Cuts from episodes 16 and 7, respectively, of You're Beautiful, which doesn't have a single unlikeable track in its OST. Both songs are the sad, melancholic type, but they're so lovely I can't help loving them and keeping them on replay. I seem to have been on some kind of Korean roll lately. Hmm. I've been told that this was shocking since I've always been such a Japanophile, but I don't see why being one should mean that I'm automatically anti-Korean. I have always, from the beginning of this hallyu thing, maintained that each has its own merits. And like I've mentioned before several times, it doesn't matter what language good music is in and whether or not I understand. Good listening is good listening, and this OST is good listening.

BUT. Change Ur World will be out in a month! :P

You can bet your horse (or, failing that, your sibling) that I'll be ranting like crazy when it does, whether or not it lives up to my expectations. So if I appear to have cooled down at all about KAT-TUN, it's only because they've not released anything since NO MORE PAIИ. I still love them to distraction!

when the weekends come

2010-10-18T00:33:00.004+08:00

I owe my survival to KAT-TUN, A.N.Jell, Younha and 9th Street. Thank you for existing.

oh, what drama

2010-10-17T20:22:00.000+08:00

But drama is exactly what one should expect from a drama. Cry, Tae Kyung, cry! >:D Payback for Mi Nyu's tears!

...though I can only watch sad scenes if there's a silver lining on the horizon.

pig-rabbit hybrids

2010-10-15T13:57:00.005+08:00

Women of the world, marry a guy who would perform stuffed-toy surgery (like this) for you for no real reason. Really. You can't not find that hilariously cute.

for the lulz

2010-10-14T23:00:00.005+08:00

The more I watch him, the more I love the character Hwang Tae Kyung in You're Beautiful. Smooth character development aside, he has such funny quirks and such weird habits! Shellfish and sesame and pollen allergies, leporiphobia, an obsession with cleanliness and order, perfectionism, night-blindness, the weird thing he does with his mouth when he's thinking... O_O So many weaknesses in one character, but somehow he pulls it off quite well and it doesn't seem overdone.

[link] <-- super LOL moment.

I really like this K-drama, because of how visually pleasing everything is. And I'm not even talking about the people - though the main four are indeed a pleasure to watch, if only because they're all fantastic actors. The set itself is gorgeous, from the office/studio to their dorm.

A dorm? Really? I'd never have believed a 'dorm' so sumptuous and well-designed. The band members each have such spacious and amazing rooms (cleverly designed with the character's personality in mind, with brilliant uses of the huge space and of textures... Oh, now I'm waxing estate agent), and the common spaces are so well done! Good lighting, the right colours, excellent props... I could go on for hours. If I ever had a plot of land to build a house on, I'd model my house after this so-called dorm.

The clothes! I've always had a thing for the boat neck thing and the oversized neck thing, no idea what they're called but they're cho cool - and this drama ships both like no-one's business. Tae Kyung is almost always in either (follow link above)! Plus they have the other guys wearing other awesome gear, like the plethora of jackets they all seem to own, everyone's shades and the extremely cute beanie from Episode 8. (No-one beats the Japs at rocking hats, though, it's a fact.)

Ah, and the music. As expected of a story about a band, it's almost always playing just the right kind of song in the background. I guess it helps that the main actors are all also singers to a certain degree?

So, yes, in case it isn't bleedingly obvious by now, I am obsessed with this drama. The plot isn't much, but it's everything else - cast, costume, music, setting - that keeps me drawn to it. Nice, short, manageable dramas are bombs! On to the next episode!

agitation, agitation

2010-10-11T01:30:00.004+08:00

I'm posting twice a day now, aren't I? I'm sorry, how annoying that must be. Anyway, this post is only here because I want to push the previous one (with the LOL picture and all) further down so that it won't appear in the screenshot of my blog on my New Tab page. My carefully planned aesthetic (I love my bookmarks) has been completely ruined.

So I will just rant here. Firstly: WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH MY PERSONAL STATEMENT?! Why is it that it keeps turning out like a character-explaining life story instead of a concise explanation of my strengths (if those even exist), achievements (these definitely don't) and motivations? I try and try, but I just can't make myself sound impressive. I can make myself sound vaguely likeable (by constructing a false image from strategically-worded truths), yes, but to make the cut would require more than just a good attitude, wouldn't it? Someone, please just empty a cartridge right into my skull!

BUT. It's Trainers' Course this coming weekend!
*apprehension leaking out of every ~~oversized~~ pore*

This post really lives up to the name of this blog. LOL.

cosplaying a geek

2010-10-10T14:49:00.007+08:00

Because I'm taking a break from my ~~insanely frustrating and hopelessly retarded~~ personal statement. Really, I do so hate writing about myself. I especially loathe self-praise, too, so my statement's more "Hi, my name is So-and-So and I want to do this because of that; I collect seashells and enjoy writing poetry in my spare time" than "I achieved this and that and this too last year, and I will be a valuable addition to your student body."

Oh, hell. Why can't time just stop for a little while?

Anyway, this picture is related to the second point #1 of my previous post. 'Twas taken yesterday with my phone (hence the awful quality), in the fitting room of some store or other. I look totally like a fugly emo gamer GUY! xD

mixed

2010-10-09T23:47:00.001+08:00

Today was so... eventful that I don't quite know how to feel about it. Good and bad, fantastic and horrible. I think, on a whole, I am more happy than not (the scales tip in whichever direction I will them to), though I am also extremely tired. But let's be systematic about this.

Reasons to be happy:

1 The KAT-TUN concert DVD sitting on my shelf.

2 The Le Premier Verre (starring 亀, naturally) DVD sitting on my shelf.

3 The final volume of Those With Wings sitting on my shelf.

4 The three pieces of completely OOC clothing mummy bought for me.

5 The big fat Teach Yourself kit daddy bought for me.

6 The new packet of McVities in the kitchen.

Reasons to be less-than-happy:

1 The fact that I couldn't bring myself to buy my expensive Emo Gamer Guy cosplay ensemble.

2 My lack of a personal statement (and the inspiration for one).

3 The feeling of hideousness that always comes with shopping.

4 My near-bankruptcy.

5 The infuriating, rage-inducing slowness of my internet connection today.

There. Data to support my stubborn intent to be happy with what I have and not to bemoan what I don't. Really, it would be foolish to allow this happiness to be marred by such immoderate greed, dissatisfaction and impatience. Contentment. That's what I need to learn.

extracts from anywhere

2010-10-08T19:55:00.003+08:00

"I have confidence in drawing."

"Oh..."

*starts drawing*

"Whoa, I'm good today. I'm really good!"

"You've only drawn five lines!"

You may be good at art, T2, but don't underestimate abstract media and concepts. LOL.

Imitation

2010-10-07T23:45:00.005+08:00

I finally realised that I am rather like the character K from the manhwa I Wish by Seo Hyun-joo, in that I tend to become a wannabe clone of people I like. Seriously. Like in my Howl phase, when I wanted earrings like his, my Cian phase when I thought Irish names were so fascinating, my Izumo-no-Takeru phase when I decided that tsundere was out and smiley was in...

Yeah. But, er, I'm not sure what effect my 亀 fandom has had on my preferences just yet. Unless it was the whole eyebrow thing?

this post is also not very pointy.

2010-10-06T01:12:00.001+08:00

People who're not used to Japanese or Korean dramas/music really shouldn't harp so much on the fact that the Asian men, as opposed to their more macho Western counterparts, are a lot more at ease with displaying emotion. For example, it's perfectly fine for a male character in a drama to shed tears twice in as many episodes, if the situation is heartbreaking enough (death, desperation, the like). I can't really say this for the Koreans, knowing nearly nothing about them, but I can tell you that the Japanese don't - or didn't - have quite the same rigid rules when it comes to masculine conduct as much of the world has.

Case in point: homosexuality. Even back in the days of feudal lords and bushi, a man's sexual orientation was simply a matter of preference and never a sin. Some even went as far as to say that love between males, nanshoku/shudo, was sacred. Beautiful male prostitutes were not uncommon and sometimes highly sought after. This, however, doesn't mean that pretty boys are necessarily homosexual.

Contrary to what most people think, the whole bishonen/biseinen/bidanshi thing did not, in fact, stem from anime-manga culture, and it definitely doesn't equal homosexuality. Japan has a historical record of its fascination with beautiful young males, the most known of which would be Hikaru Genji, the most infamous playboy in ancient Japanese literature (Google him, you'll get tons of hits). And yes, he fooled around with truckloads of women. The appreciation of the semi-androgynous form, an aesthetic not dissimilar to that of Renaissance angels, isn't a recent development at all, though it has become overly popularised in current times - and it most certainly does not relate to homosexuality. I can't stress this enough.

So you see, pretty boys are not a fad, nor are they gay. Please remember that, and keep your antagonistic redneck views, if any, to yourself. Thank you.

It can be a real blast reading historical stories because of the things you learn, especially when it's made so accessible. This post has been sitting around just waiting to be published since I first read Kaze Hikaru, so it's nice to finally get it done!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
p.s.: It wasn't until Western thought penetrated Japan that homosexuality was viewed as an abnormality, which shows again how some people have the conceit to claim their opinions as fact.

p.p.s.: I think I should make a disclaimer here that I am not, in any way, endorsing homosexuality. As a matter of fact, yaoi makes me extremely uncomfortable. BUT. I don't believe in pushing personal opinions quite so far.

something old, something new

2010-10-05T04:32:00.001+08:00

This is the first Younha song I've heard in a while (Houkiboshi was good, but I never thought to look her up), and I like it. It's got a nice, uplifting vibe to it and the verses are my kind of listening, even if the chorus is a tad whiny. Plus, Younha has such a cute smile! ♥ It's always refreshing to have someone (sort of) new to listen to, especially after a prolonged period of the whole 'same artist, new song' phase.

Oh, and I love 0:27-0:30. Heh.

Why I Don't Quite Know What to Feel About Friday:

2010-10-04T23:35:00.000+08:00

On the one hand, probably the better hand, the one with longer fingers and better-shaped nails, Friday means lunch with the some of the most brilliant people in my life.

On the other hand, the one with ugly skin and superstubby digits, Friday also means IELTS results. Which I am itching to know, but at the same time I do not want to know. I hate getting papers back or collecting grades but I want to know, damn it.

Mmphf.

boo ya

2010-10-03T23:24:00.002+08:00

I don't know... if I should be laughing or crying. But then again, there isn't much difference between the two in terms of physical exertion. Both have your shoulders shaking slightly, your eyes tearing, your chest heaving and your face all screwed up. Sometimes, when you're laughing bitterly at yourself for crying, it's hard to tell if you're laughing or crying more. Actually, I think that's when the hysterics come into the picture, but we'll forget that.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What happened was, my keyboard broke itself. Yes, it did. I sure as hell had nothing to do with it. Really. One moment I'm typing something rubbishy out on facebook and the next I'm staring blankly at my Shift key and wondering why it won't allow itself to be pressed. And was it supposed to be quite so wonky?

I prodded it a few times in a manner reminiscent of Dexter's gloriously annoying sister, and lo! the entire Shift key popped up and out of the keyboard. Oh yes. Panic. Hmm. It was an ungodly hour of the morning, too, so I had no hope of seeking assistance. Spent ten full minutes scrutinising the mechanics of the thing and tried to attach the key back into its rightful spot, but my fat sausage fingers (have I mentioned I hate my hands? Except maybe my fingernails) were not up to the delicate task.

The forceps were a lifesaver. :D

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally got round to using the underwater camera in the fishpond today. Haha. Results were, on the whole, terrible - but this one's not too shabby. Stupid water's too green, though!

:(

2010-10-03T20:08:00.000+08:00

normalcy

2010-10-03T02:32:00.001+08:00

To make up for the plain foolishness of all my recent posts, I tried to post something more normal this time but somehow nothing in my to-post queue qualifies as normal. Fanposts, by the way, are considered very abnormal as well, in my desperate bid to hold on to the sane, uninfested part of my mind.

Hmm. There are, at the moment, quite a number of things I have to (or maybe just want to) say, but I can't find a way to convey all of that across. My word-blindness again, no doubt. Not unexpected, either, since it's been aeons since I've actually picked a book up. To have five books half-read and waiting around to be read is something that still shocks me now, and would have appalled my schooling self. I had a free evening today with about three hours to spare, and I spent it reorganising my economics notes. If that isn't unnatural, nothing is.

Oh, here's something normal to blog about. Blogger is messing around and I can't colour my words. How horrible. I had no idea blogging would feel this dry without the ability to add colours to my posts. Grey counts as a colour, mind you, so I can't even vary my words within the boundaries of monochromatism. What a blister.

For fear of sounding positively vapid (more than I already do, anyway), I shall stop here and go to sleep. And...bye-bye.

Oh noes, some fandom managed to slip in. Oops.

this heart is break. lol.

2010-10-02T23:21:00.000+08:00

Booted up Winter ten minutes ago and discovered that my wearing a hairband renders me unrecognisable by Winter's standards. The picture above is of my stoned, why-is-Winter-taking-so-long? face, recorded by the poor confused thing as I attempted to log in. Haha.

There you go, Pei, a normalish camwhore picture! Blek.

volatile

2010-10-01T19:56:00.005+08:00

It doesn't take much to sour a good mood, does it? Especially when there isn't any reason in particular for the said good mood - because you'll have nothing to cheer you up again when your mood goes off into the deep end.

Fortunately, there will always be cold showers and music to heal such mood upsets. Music, though, is on a low today (*sad face*) as I've grown tired of what Branch holds. And it doesn't help that most of it is loud, energetic stuff when I'm in the mood for something more melancholy and dramatic.

Downloads, here I come!

-------------------------------------------[edit]-----------------------------------------------

Decided to set the player on random and found two nice songs, called Water Dance and White World, respectively. Alliteration for the frikkin' win!

this explains it:

2010-10-01T02:03:00.000+08:00

Hello, this is me. I talk to myself, sometimes aloud, and my mental conversations with me are usually very apparent on my face. I am terrified of insects, I cannot ingest any member of the allium family without being overcome with nausea and I will kill the next person who uses the word "creative" on me. I derive no satisfaction from any aspect of my appearance save for my eyes, which is why you see them doubled here. Twice the love.

Reason for my weirdness being: I am not human. Guafuafua.

the first shelf

2010-09-30T03:38:00.003+08:00

Contains the odds-and-ends, Kirino Natsuo and some unfinished reading. There isn't much hiding behind the front row, just the Mortal Instruments trilogy.

hi there, burogi

2010-09-27T00:01:00.005+08:00

IELTS. Hmm. Yeah. Mm. *hysterical laughter*

Aaaaaaanyway. Tokyohive has made me a very excited kid tonight and now I cannot wait for October the first. Reasons being:

1. It's a suit. Suits are bombs.

2. After the last one with the Panasonic Lamdash, who doesn't want to see another one?

3. His hair, thank goodness it's all right. The sudden scissors scene was terrifying.

4. IT'S. A. SUIT.

I want a Gao Gao toy (some kind of Jenga-like game). It would be the most hilarious thing in the world to play with friends. 8D

nankurunaisa

2010-09-25T01:09:00.006+08:00

Lanterns in Vnam Kitchen, Ipoh.

Keep the faith; one faraway day you'll see your real face and understand that no one can rescue you but yourself. If you don't start to love yourself right now, it is only to your detriment. You say you wish to feel no more pain? Then get going! There is no signal, no flag to start your journey but your own will. Start now and DO THE D-MOTION.

Hahaha.

A silly, poorly disguised piece of fandom that was almost obscene to write, what with all my laughter at my own expense. But hey, we all have our vices. Mm. Oh, yes. Nankurunaisa, by the way, is a quirky little bit of Okinawan that roughly means, "It will all work out." Admirable attitude, that. Just the right spirit to take with me into the test tomorrow.

Nankurunaisa, everyone!

om nom nom

2010-09-23T01:46:00.001+08:00

An ADDICTION. That's what this is.

Another pressie picture. :)

counter-poison

2010-09-22T01:04:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CMs-mKjXiQ

Currently, the only thing that can successfully distract me from general KAT-TUN fandom (I swear NMP exacerbated the syndrome) is Matsushita Yuya. :D No comparison, of course, but definitely good enough as a distraction. Sure, he's a little too girly at times, but it's all good because he's also childishly funny at times. It somewhat makes up for the deficiencies.

Picture is of a highly treasured piece of lettuce (haha).

we're alive today as well

2010-09-21T22:42:00.006+08:00

Tomorrow, I have a mock exam for economics. And here I am ensuring my FAIL grade. I never will learn, will I.

Is it hypocritical of me to repeatedly insist that my level of English is just decent, but then get unhappy when someone misguidedly attempts to correct me? Is it being arrogant or boastful in any way? Worse, am I belittling that someone's abilities?

Tell me it isn't so, or I will die a sudden death by guilt. D:

p.s.: You know, the surest sign of how much I love KAT-TUN is my blithe, feigned ignorance of their atrocious English.

rofl

2010-09-21T01:26:00.001+08:00

I do apologise for the surfeit of fanposts, but I've just finished watching the 2008 Queen of Pirates concert rendition of LIPS and I must tell someone about it. You see, normally I would gush about it to the nearest person, but right now it's an hour where there's no one around, so...

LIPS, for the most part, is still one of my favourite KAT-TUN songs. In the concert, they used microphones similar to those they used in the PV (which meant poor Nakamaru got this again, LOL. I've never seen an uglier mic). What's more, there was an outlet near the input part of the mic that was rigged to shoot out a dense mist, much in the style fire extinguishers, just like in the PV. They utilised this strange ability in between verses where they were supposed to spray the mist into the air and generally look cool.

And the moment Nakamaru started his beatboxing, everyone else had nothing better to do but turn their nozzles on him. This on its own was pretty funny, but I nearly killed myself laughing when Jin accidentally shot the stuff straight up his nose while singing.

Damn I love these people. :D

prelude to greatness

2010-09-16T00:51:00.003+08:00

"Chief..."

"What is it?"

I kid you not. Those four little words up there almost always herald EPICness.

I love the Factory Skit. ;A;

word of the day: yes.

2010-09-13T22:32:00.005+08:00

Yes, as in YESSS!!

I was such a good kid today. Except for that tiny bit of dozing off in class (it wasn't even proper dozing, it was more like a concentrated lack of concentration), anyway. But I didn't skip work, and I didn't even nap when I got home! What's more, I think I've managed to tone down my madness a little, now that I'm over the extremities of the initial stages. Mm. Yeah. That's important, mind you, or I'd be stark raving and all that by the end of the month.

But.

More importantly.

WE PASSED.

Probably not with the flying colours implied above, but we still did. I wonder how, but it doesn't really matter at this point, does it? What matters is that [see above]. YES LAH. Victory dance around the campfire, troops!

verbal brackets

what am I doing wrong?

Mother of god, what do you do when someone suddenly tells you the most intense life story you've ever heard?

To be perfectly honest,

Me and my words.

-.

-.

I love this guy:

A list of books I have yet to read (and the reasons why)

A short list of reasons why my nineteenth birthday was one of the best that I can remember:

elaborations will follow

1582

/le great return

Sorry, trees, but I need paper books.

comfort clothes

done!

oh, no.

song of the day: Ave Maria! ~Schubert~

song of the day: Paradise

10 things I love about Kamenashi Kazuya

Guess whose birthday it is tomorrow.

song of the day: Hymn of the Fayth

song of the day: Little by Little

song(s) of the day: Lotus and Hazy

w/o notice??

none of my business

field trip

my first KAT-TUN meme! :O

long post!

cherry tree twisted metal spelling bee.

Library Wars!

festive :)

of exhaustion

佳

hurrah, it's the weekend!

psychedelic power

update: bits and pieces

the way my mind works

Into the New World (gasp)

happiness in the mail

we need a little recap...

hands down winners

CDJapan vs. YesAsia

Balance checking

money money money, must be funny...

this is why the year-end rocks my socks

digital paintings

...And now I'm just plain lost.

FOUND IT!

feeling christmas-y!

meet...

| /\-|\/| SO CD\|---|---P\//

seethe

my week has been a mess.

it's a secret, but...

the rain today hurt.

moping in the corner

post-mock gloom

fly high

a message to my stalkee

Let tomorrow come NOW!

short-term goal:

*snip*

fifteen, there's still time for you...

[edit] looking for labels

mix and match

fights

change ur world

kuro

Give me a week or two, maybe I'll be done laughing by then.

an exploding... heart??

unproductivity

ballads and the like

when the weekends come

oh, what drama

pig-rabbit hybrids

for the lulz

agitation, agitation

cosplaying a geek

mixed

snip