what am I doing wrong?

I'm lonely. There you go, it's a nice, cold, hard fact. I'm emo and homesick and tired and moody and evasive all the time now because this loneliness is growing and growing and it's eating me up and I can't stand it any more than I already have. I can't tell if I'm lonely because I have self esteem issues and feel as though no one could love such a person, or because I'm (ironically, in the opposite direction) an arrogant being who looks upon humankind as a whole as a flaw beyond help?

Perhaps I'm just over-thinking everything as a self-defense mechanism because I need to drown out the nasty voices in my head. I need to not hear the truth, whispered to me in my own mental voice, that I am just a really nasty person who will never let enough of herself be known to anyone to feel wholly accepted. I have beautiful friends who care, who want to know the reason behind my mood swings. But I don't want to tell them, I don't want to release into the world any more filth than already exists in it. All these negative thoughts should stay locked up in my mind, where at least they would damage only me.

I just don't think I could be poisonous enough to let anyone in on this unhappiness, especially not when so many of the people who care seem so happy. When someone is that happy, and that happiness is so well-deserved and so overdue, you can't honestly expect me to tell them that their happiness makes me feel lonelier than ever. That the happier they get, the further I feel my world is from theirs. That I am tired and miserable and terribly jealous of them. That I can't help the bitterness even if it disgusts me more than it would them.

And then I switch perspectives again and consider a different possibility. Could it be that I am not, after all, a vile creature who casts a pall on a friend's joy? Maybe - maybe I'm being too arrogant in assuming that my black vibes would even remotely affect that friend's happiness. Maybe I'm too nice, too careful, too conscious. Maybe I'm being a fool and keeping everything to myself when all I need is to open up and stop assuming things. Maybe I need to stop trying so hard to make something change when all I need to do is let things flow as they should. Not to strive for light or dark, but to get comfortable with the grey area and just - chill.

elaborations will follow

...when I find the right words.

the rain today hurt.

and i'm leaving this here as a post so that in half a year or so, i can look back at it and laugh in embarrassment at how silly i was. for this truly is madness, without rhyme or reason, and as madness usually is it is also unstoppable. i know for certain that i will laugh at myself in the future when i think back to this, but it's hard to reason with the irrational part of me right now.

i know how this will turn out.

moping in the corner

What's with the sudden surfeit of people going to Japan recently? Why?

ARE YOU ALL BEING EBIL ON PURPOSE?!

:(

post-mock gloom

I have found, in all my limited experience of accounting exams, that I have this infuriating tendency to make mistakes immediately upon commencement of the paper. You see, Question 1 always involves a Balance Sheet and mine never balances on the first try. Never. And no matter how hard I try to spot the error, no matter how closely I scrutinise the question, no matter how much I recalculate, it doesn't balance until the very end, after I finish the rest of the paper and turn back to go through it again.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I suppose sometimes it really is important to take a step (or maybe a few steps) back when things seem impossible to solve. Sometimes the harder we try, the further we back ourselves into a narrow corner and the more difficult it becomes to see what went wrong. Giving things time (but not too much, the exam doesn't provide for much extra time) allows us to take a deep breath and perhaps calm down a little. Even if you're still a bundle of nerves when you come back to the problem (I'm usually not, though, I have a funny calmness at this point - rather like someone in the face of mortal danger who's already accepted death as a highly possible outcome), having seen and solved the other problems gives you a tiny boost in confidence that makes a not-so-tiny difference.

Solving other problems, no matter how simple, is great because it gives you a sense of empowerment. It makes you realise that whatever is thrown at you has a solution and that this solution can be found using what you have - most of the time, the key to solving a problem lies within the problem itself - and in that way, you strengthen yourself mentally against the big problem from earlier.

I don't know if this can be applied for anyone else or whether it's just me; some of you brainy people might not even have trouble with your first balance sheet. But yeah, it's just one of those epiphany moments.

p.s.: Look, I applied accounting to life! Ooh I'm a genius. I'm using this for mah Ps! (*warning you not to steal or you'll get caught by CopyCatch*)

fifteen, there's still time for you...

Is it just me or are the early twenties a worrying part of a person's life? It's disheartening to see people of just about twenty-four who look so world-weary and tired, especially when I compare them to how they were a mere three or four years back. Back then, they looked more like happy, cheerful kids; now they're solemn adults, undoubtedly more professional and skilled, but also less energetic and infectiously smiley.

This disturbs me far more than it should. I can't help feeling inexplicably sad (and subsequently pessimistic) about it. How do four years age a person so?

the (war)path home

Image credits go to [link], [link], [link] and [link], respectively. DeviantART is your friend.

Iamemobecausetheresultsarecoming.

How long has it been...

...since I could tie my hair up without a messy layer of bristles left out at the base?

...since I could twist all that hair up into a proper, spherical bun?

...since I ironed my nursing cap out, folded it along well-creased lines and pinned it atop my head, only to feel it floating off whenever I moved too quickly?

...since we watched each other's backs - literally, in case one of our zips had slid?

...since I only had two buttons to attach every time I donned my uniform?

...since we all wore those canvas shoes?

...since I started feeling this hollow?

Inochi wa Tsuzuku

It's over - wait, no, actually, nothing's over. You can't put an end to what never began, and it, whatever it was meant to mean, never did.
Things have been said, could have been thought, might have been felt. But in the end, no memento was left behind - no actions to prove the words, no memories worth keeping. Nothing at all exists to stand for the existence of what very nearly did.
Life goes on. For everyone.
Today is for grieving, but you shall have neither tomorrow nor any other day from me.

...awesome!
Emopost, ha. Sorry, I was drafting out something for Paisley Puppets and felt like putting up an excerpt. Hehe.

Oh, and update on Unc's wedding soon. Promised a certain cuzzy I'd do that much for her, at the very least.