ennui

Why does it feel like I've titled another post exactly like that before? I suppose it's because I have no imagination. Whatever.

^ Image by arbebuk on dA.

What I was trying to say is that I am in another of my moods. (Well, that actually sounds incredibly stupid, because I'm technically always in a mood, whether good or bad or even neutral. But the phrase lends itself so readily; let's not mock it.) I'm in holiday mood, which has been rather ambiguous for me since I've started my studies here in the UK.

On one hand, holidays are great. They really are.

But on the other, they're just excellent for highlighting how alone I am. Away from friends and family, alone in a cold room with nothing but the dwindling attraction of the internet to distract me from acknowledging the pathetic flop that is my life.

As I write, I am slowly awaiting the deletion of my thousands of tweets, born of a mistake I made in linking my Twitter to my Tumblr account. My room is a mess of random packaging from random parcels and clothes that refuse to dry properly (I still haven't begun packing for the trip on Tuesday - which, if I might mention, is beginning to lose its appeal for me). My tea-stained mugs sit accusingly to my right, a reminder of the many dishes I have yet to wash today. My bedroom smells of my dinner, because I didn't want to eat alone in the living/dining room. No, I wanted to eat alone in front of my computer, so that I'd have less time to mull over my sorry state. Now I'll need to check if my drying clothes smell of food. But again, whatever.

To put myself in an even less favourable light, I feel compelled to mention that I actually do have plenty of things I could do right now, the aforementioned washing-up being one of them.

• I could complete my applications for a placement next year. 
• I could start revising for the January exams.
• I could draw up a revision plan for the January exams.
• I could read my many books.
• I could finish the themes challenge.
• I could take a long, indulgent, hot shower.
• I could clean my room.
• I could clean the house.
• I could start packing.
• I could sleep.

Do you see what I mean by "sad, lonely, introverted existence" right there? I assure you, it has nothing to do with it being half past two in the morning. Even if it were two in the afternoon, there'd be nothing I could do outside of this house. And it'll be like this for the next three weeks - the whole of Christmas break. While the festive cheer is heartwarming in its own way (especially since the people here obviously take the holiday far more seriously than most people back home would), it also grabs the heart and twists it into a pretzel of pain for depressingly depressing people like me.

I have nice friends, ones who think me better than I actually am, and without them I'm just... sinking beneath their expectations of me. I become the disgusting version of myself, because I don't feel the need to reward anyone's faith in me. I rot.

But writing helped. Is helping. Will hopefully help.

I can't say for sure that my mood will take a turn for the better in the weeks to come, but I'll man up about it all. I might write again, or I might not, but for what it's worth, it's made me feel a tiny bit better. Probably because my guilt about abandoning this blog (and long posts in general) has been assuaged, but I'll take what I can get. Beggars can't choose, yeah?

field trip

For someone who lived for nearly 15 years in Kuala Lumpur's satellite city of PJ, and whose daily classes are within technical boundaries of the federal territory, it seems unbelievable that I don't know my way around KL at all. (Have I really been living in Shah Alam for four years now?) For the most part, excursions to the city centre were pretty perfunctory - I need to go to Kinokuniya, let's go there and hurry back. I need to visit the convention centre, let's rush there and get everything settled quick. I'm catching a performance at Istana Budaya, no point in hanging around after the show.

Which was all such a mistake, now that I see how little of KL I know. I know KLCC and BNM and nothing else. Starhill and Imbi are vague shapes in my head, with only memories of having been there twice or thrice. How dare I make jokes about there only being one mall in Seremban when I haven't really explored everything in my vicinity? (I must clarify, however, that I do possess some knowledge of PJ's malls, excluding Sunway. That's just too bothersome.)

So today, I worked off a little ignorance. I had an excellent guide, of course, and the public transport system was actually really efficient. And along the way, we found a little time to have Starbucks! :P

festive :)

佳

I know I said I wouldn't blog, but just a quickie!

A couple of days ago, I realised that I still didn't know what my name would be like in Japanese - which came as a surprise; knowing myself, it's a wonder I hadn't tried to find out sooner. I indulged in a bit of smug superiority while I searched for a pinyin converter, because my "Japanese name" would be my real name, not just some typical internet-generated one like some others have to use. All I had to do was input my name in Chinese and it would be read as kanji, how brilliant! Of course, it's considerably less than brilliant that the only thing I can read in Chinese is my own name - and my parents sometimes forget that I can. How disturbing.

So I found a pinyin converter, and typed in my name: 佳彤

Unfortunately, my smug bubble was burst when I realised the second character isn't one of the many imported by the Japanese back when they first adopted traditional Chinese as their written language. *mope

But I was also quite delighted to find out that the first half is read as kei in Japanese, which would have been the same pronunciation used for Kaye. Isn't that most amazing? I'm getting to love my name more as time passes - and I'm not talking about "Kaye". Because at the end of the day, nothing fits me better than the one I've spent nearly two decades growing into.

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P.s.: Another three papers and I'll be free for CNY! This year, those fifteen days will mean:

• a reunion even more appreciated than before, because of
• the departure of an old, very close friend to somewhere new,
• a change or two (I won't say what just yet, heh),
• a time to contemplate the near future, and of course
• a boost in finances (as always).

I haven't had a single mandarin orange yet this year. Hmm.

we need a little recap...

Oh, dear. I started drafting this before Christmas and now look. It's already the second day of the new decade! And I can't blame it all on my lack of a computer; I really do procrastinate on an unbelievable level. Hmm. Well anyway. I don't normally do this, but I feel like the end of this year 2010 should be documented, for various small reasons and a few significant ones. Uh, I should probably change the publish date, though...

this is why the year-end rocks my socks

Hell, yeah! Music Station Super Live 2010 was the bombiest of bomby bombs!

I would've embedded the Arashi, NEWS, Koda Kumi, SNSD, KARA and YUI performances as well, but I wanted this post to focus on my favourites. They were superb, every one of them. Kame's splendid showmanship as always, Taguchi's light-up-the-world smile, Koki's ever-awesome voice and hair, Ueda's funny Jin-hat, Nakamaru's attempt at winking...

*dies*

feeling christmas-y!

I like this season.

I don't know if it's because the Christmas spirit is such an infectious one, but I find myself looking forward to Christmas whenever I see Christmas-themed ads in the paper or games on the internet. I can't understand it - it's not like my family has ever made a big deal about celebrating Christmas. We don't exchange gifts so I don't have presents to look forward to. I even have big fat exams looming up like ugly warts on my calendar right after the 25th. So why is it that I'm so hyped about Christmas this year?

There can only be one reason : tokyohive's Christmas Giveaway!

Feels as though I've never wanted anything as much. I WANT TO WIN SO BAD! Especially because Change Ur World is on the prize list - but really, I wouldn't mind almost anything on that list. Unfortunately, it's pretty much a lucky draw system - it's quite, quite random. Which means I have something like a one in two million chance of getting picked. I've always sucked at lucky draws. :(

Oh, and if anyone's interested, there's a similar event being held over at allkpop, tokyohive's sister site! It doesn't take much effort, and there's no harm in trying out for a prize - and if you're my opposite in terms of luck, you'll almost definitely get one! :) I'd be extremely envious, sure, but it is the season to have open, generous hearts, isn't it?

Merry Christmas, dear readers!