Perhaps I'm just over-thinking everything as a self-defense mechanism because I need to drown out the nasty voices in my head. I need to not hear the truth, whispered to me in my own mental voice, that I am just a really nasty person who will never let enough of herself be known to anyone to feel wholly accepted. I have beautiful friends who care, who want to know the reason behind my mood swings. But I don't want to tell them, I don't want to release into the world any more filth than already exists in it. All these negative thoughts should stay locked up in my mind, where at least they would damage only me.
I just don't think I could be poisonous enough to let anyone in on this unhappiness, especially not when so many of the people who care seem so happy. When someone is that happy, and that happiness is so well-deserved and so overdue, you can't honestly expect me to tell them that their happiness makes me feel lonelier than ever. That the happier they get, the further I feel my world is from theirs. That I am tired and miserable and terribly jealous of them. That I can't help the bitterness even if it disgusts me more than it would them.
And then I switch perspectives again and consider a different possibility. Could it be that I am not, after all, a vile creature who casts a pall on a friend's joy? Maybe - maybe I'm being too arrogant in assuming that my black vibes would even remotely affect that friend's happiness. Maybe I'm too nice, too careful, too conscious. Maybe I'm being a fool and keeping everything to myself when all I need is to open up and stop assuming things. Maybe I need to stop trying so hard to make something change when all I need to do is let things flow as they should. Not to strive for light or dark, but to get comfortable with the grey area and just - chill.
