^ Image by arbebuk on dA.
What I was trying to say is that I am in another of my moods. (Well, that actually sounds incredibly stupid, because I'm technically always in a mood, whether good or bad or even neutral. But the phrase lends itself so readily; let's not mock it.) I'm in holiday mood, which has been rather ambiguous for me since I've started my studies here in the UK.
On one hand, holidays are great. They really are.
But on the other, they're just excellent for highlighting how alone I am. Away from friends and family, alone in a cold room with nothing but the dwindling attraction of the internet to distract me from acknowledging the pathetic flop that is my life.
As I write, I am slowly awaiting the deletion of my thousands of tweets, born of a mistake I made in linking my Twitter to my Tumblr account. My room is a mess of random packaging from random parcels and clothes that refuse to dry properly (I still haven't begun packing for the trip on Tuesday - which, if I might mention, is beginning to lose its appeal for me). My tea-stained mugs sit accusingly to my right, a reminder of the many dishes I have yet to wash today. My bedroom smells of my dinner, because I didn't want to eat alone in the living/dining room. No, I wanted to eat alone in front of my computer, so that I'd have less time to mull over my sorry state. Now I'll need to check if my drying clothes smell of food. But again, whatever.
To put myself in an even less favourable light, I feel compelled to mention that I actually do have plenty of things I could do right now, the aforementioned washing-up being one of them.
- I could complete my applications for a placement next year.
- I could start revising for the January exams.
- I could draw up a revision plan for the January exams.
- I could read my many books.
- I could finish the themes challenge.
- I could take a long, indulgent, hot shower.
- I could clean my room.
- I could clean the house.
- I could start packing.
- I could sleep.
Do you see what I mean by "sad, lonely, introverted existence" right there? I assure you, it has nothing to do with it being half past two in the morning. Even if it were two in the afternoon, there'd be nothing I could do outside of this house. And it'll be like this for the next three weeks - the whole of Christmas break. While the festive cheer is heartwarming in its own way (especially since the people here obviously take the holiday far more seriously than most people back home would), it also grabs the heart and twists it into a pretzel of pain for depressingly depressing people like me.
I have nice friends, ones who think me better than I actually am, and without them I'm just... sinking beneath their expectations of me. I become the disgusting version of myself, because I don't feel the need to reward anyone's faith in me. I rot.
But writing helped. Is helping. Will hopefully help.
I can't say for sure that my mood will take a turn for the better in the weeks to come, but I'll man up about it all. I might write again, or I might not, but for what it's worth, it's made me feel a tiny bit better. Probably because my guilt about abandoning this blog (and long posts in general) has been assuaged, but I'll take what I can get. Beggars can't choose, yeah?
