what am I doing wrong?

I'm lonely. There you go, it's a nice, cold, hard fact. I'm emo and homesick and tired and moody and evasive all the time now because this loneliness is growing and growing and it's eating me up and I can't stand it any more than I already have. I can't tell if I'm lonely because I have self esteem issues and feel as though no one could love such a person, or because I'm (ironically, in the opposite direction) an arrogant being who looks upon humankind as a whole as a flaw beyond help?

Perhaps I'm just over-thinking everything as a self-defense mechanism because I need to drown out the nasty voices in my head. I need to not hear the truth, whispered to me in my own mental voice, that I am just a really nasty person who will never let enough of herself be known to anyone to feel wholly accepted. I have beautiful friends who care, who want to know the reason behind my mood swings. But I don't want to tell them, I don't want to release into the world any more filth than already exists in it. All these negative thoughts should stay locked up in my mind, where at least they would damage only me.

I just don't think I could be poisonous enough to let anyone in on this unhappiness, especially not when so many of the people who care seem so happy. When someone is that happy, and that happiness is so well-deserved and so overdue, you can't honestly expect me to tell them that their happiness makes me feel lonelier than ever. That the happier they get, the further I feel my world is from theirs. That I am tired and miserable and terribly jealous of them. That I can't help the bitterness even if it disgusts me more than it would them.

And then I switch perspectives again and consider a different possibility. Could it be that I am not, after all, a vile creature who casts a pall on a friend's joy? Maybe - maybe I'm being too arrogant in assuming that my black vibes would even remotely affect that friend's happiness. Maybe I'm too nice, too careful, too conscious. Maybe I'm being a fool and keeping everything to myself when all I need is to open up and stop assuming things. Maybe I need to stop trying so hard to make something change when all I need to do is let things flow as they should. Not to strive for light or dark, but to get comfortable with the grey area and just - chill.

Mother of god, what do you do when someone suddenly tells you the most intense life story you've ever heard?

Especially since all I thought they were going to say was, "Oh, it's a silly nickname that stuck..."

To be perfectly honest,

I don't like waiting all night for someone to come online. I hate it even more when someone comes online for five minutes, then disappears. And I wait for two hours, and see that "online" sign pop up just to find that it disappears in another five minutes. Damn it, if you tell me you want to talk then just bloody stay online. Stop being so damned impatient and hopping off into another world just because I can't type fast enough to reply in ten seconds. I know you're bred kiasu and can't bear wasting your precious time but for god's sake, just bloody give me thirty seconds if you need to talk. Otherwise please don't rob me of my sleep. It's so damned annoying.

Kthxbye.

Me and my words.

I typed out a long rant yesterday about something that has since become insignificant. Or rather, I have since realized its insignificance.

I was about to post it on my blog from my mobile, but just then a call came in and I accidentally deleted the entire thing. My initial reaction was, of course, complete outrage at myself for the amount of effort gone down the drain. But I couldn't summon the energy or the feeling to write it up again, so it didn't get posted in the end. I'm that kind of person; when I write, I follow the flow of my emotions (usually ending in melancholy) and by the time I've finished the final paragraph, I've released all my emotions in the words and I no longer feel the same as when I wrote the first lines. My emotional state vacillates a lot. I get influenced a little too easily.

So you can imagine that when I thought back about what I had written, I suddenly felt glad that I hadn't posted it after all. It was quite pathetic, on hindsight - the whole thing reeked of petulant whining and melodrama. When I think back on it, it was a shallow, thoughtless rant that came to no conclusions and sounded like a thirteen-year-old's desperate attempt to draw attention to the heinous drama in their life. In a way, it was a manipulative bitch of a rant, taking ordinary truth and phrasing it in ways that tried to hint tantalizingly at something serious and interesting. The equivalent, forgive me, of a young teenager posting statuses on Facebook about heartbreak and love when you know for a fact that they have never even experienced either. Not quite the same, but equally foolish.

I've thought up a theory that I should test. The next time I feel worked up about something and decide to rant about it on my blog or journal... When I finish the piece, I should always hit Save Draft first. If I still feel the same way a day later, I'll publish the post.

I am not always easygoing, or reasonable, or open-minded. But I try very hard to be.

-.

You'll need to click on it for the full size version.

*edit!*
60 notes on tumblr? That's like a personal high score for original content! :D And to think I nearly decided against uploading it...

-.

I don't know what the future will be like. That's fine, because no one does.

I don't know what I want my future to be like. That scares me more than anything else right now, even more than the upcoming exams.

When did I change? Was it gradual, or did it happen in one cataclysmic moment? I used to dream of doing what I loved for a living. I used to believe I had a little talent. I used to have potential. I used to picture myself working hard but enjoying myself because I loved my work. Why, then, do I suddenly stop functioning on autopilot - after a year and a half - and look back to realise that I might have made a big mistake?

I am so, so very terrified right now.

I love this guy:

A list of books I have yet to read (and the reasons why)

I used to be the type of reader who couldn't put a book down, at least not for breaks more than an hour long. It wasn't because I wad such a devoted, avid reader or something impressive like that. It was simply that I have a pretty bad attention span, so if I spent too long away from the story I felt detached and it would be such a bother to get immersed again. And that also explains why I get really grumpy if I'm approached during or immediately after a story. My reaction tends to be something along the lines of, "Go away, I'm not back on your planet just yet."

But in the last two years I've grown a rather large pile of half-read and unread books, much to my displeasure. And yet I haven't done much about it, if only because I keep finding other crap to do. Maybe college caused it. It is after all a lot more difficult to crack open a storybook in the middle of a lecture than to do so in a big, noisy school classroom. So let's take a quick stock-check of the abandoned books lying around me!

1. Sense and Sensibility - I'm only halfway through this, but I don't feel motivated to finish it because I don't like any of the characters.
2. Nation - A present from last year that I meant to read immediately... but somehow it's still in the gift wrapping.
3. The Splendour Falls - Progress came to a grinding halt when the characters also proved unlikeable. I'm such a snob.
4. The World is Flat - It's non-fiction. Of course I can't finish it quickly.
5. My Mother She Killed Me, My Father He Ate Me - Because it's an anthology, the stories are discontinuous and as such can be digested in little bits.
6. The Folklore of Discworld - This is another book that I am ashamed of abandoning. But again, the discontinuity made it happen...
7. Fallen - Rather annoying characters and concept. As though vampires and werewolves weren't supernatural and mysterious enough, this one turns out to be about an angel. An angel, for heaven's sake. (Yes, I totally did make that shameful pun.)

I have others, but... :/
Not too sure if naming the rest is a good idea.
Besides, I've mentioned all but four. You get the point.

I HAVE TO READ THOSE AS SOON AS THE EXAMS END OR THE SILVERFISH WILL GET TO THEM FIRST. (´Д` )

A short list of reasons why my nineteenth birthday was one of the best that I can remember:

We shall go about it in chronological order, yes?

1. Receiving one birthday text in particular that made me wonder what I ever did to deserve such love - and whether I'm so predictable that the sender could guess what the right thing to say was.

2. Balancing the first question on the accounts paper on the first try - something I'd NEVER done until now. (I'll ignore the epic failness of the rest of the paper though.)

3. A very short maths lesson.

4. Seeing pink in the library.

5. Going on a shopping spree... at the most awesome stationery shop this nation has ever seen.

6. Overtime over dessert, ridiculous photos and absurd conversation.

7. Mexican kilts and Nigerian waterfalls.

8. Coming home and finding out that Kame had been on Shonen Club, with a brilliant performance. Would it be too OOC for me to say I find the performance just a tad more special because it was aired on my birthday?

9. Checking my mail - and sure enough, the recording of Kame's Friday night radio show was up on YouTube!

10. Experimenting with the glitter powder bought from said stationer's... and getting rather pleasing results. See how it catches the light?

11. Finally placing my order for White!

On the whole, I think the ratio of ups to downs was very good. :) Thank you, to those of you who recognise yourselves in this!

elaborations will follow

...when I find the right words.

1582

The most hypnotic song on my current playlist.

/le great return

How strange it feels to be blogging here on Blogger after being enamoured with Tumblr for nearly two months now. Everything here on VerbalBrackets seems so old and abandoned somehow. But a small update is in order, partly because I feel I owe it to my firstborn blog and partly because I have absolutely no idea who visits me on Tumblr.

The people following me on Tumblr are 80% strangers, whom I know mostly through common biases and such. Here, however, is known mostly to people I actually know and so feels a little more... secure? While it's nice to be able to be a long-winded, rambling airhead on Blogger, with no fear of losing the mostly sane, cheerful impression Tumblr acquaintances have of myself, the freedom to be nothing but a diehard fangirl on Tumblr is refreshing in a way, that I don't have to restrain myself to the limits of normalcy within real-life circles of friends. If I shared my favourite music here, how many of my few visitors would even bother giving it a listen? How many on Tumblr would, on the other hand?

So I guess what I'm saying is, VisualBrackets makes me so happy because it allows me companions who love the same band and have similar interests and attitudes toward some things. Even if I don't know much about them, it's fine because the connection exists through common interests. VerbalBrackets, on the other hand, is in truth a blog of things I want the people around me to know. I want my "real-life" friends to understand why I love some of the things I do, to read and see why I do some of the things I do. And in some part, up until two months ago, I was hoping they would be game enough to step out of their usual areas of musical interest and try listening to stuff I like before judging it (and me). You know, sort of like how I try to never disapprove of music without giving it a shot?

I suppose that might have backfired, whether because not everyone has enough time to go around being open-minded or because they think they already know what my taste in music is like (giving them the full benefits of doubt, of course). In any case, it doesn't matter now that I've been shown the wonders of Tumblr - any readers who were ever only here to read can now relax and not worry about me shoving my playlist down your throat and forcing you to act interested. I'm sorry if this all sounds very bitter - I don't mean it, really. I don't feel bitter about it now that I have a different outlet. I'm just trying to say, in my usual roundabout manner, that I'm separating my interests from now on. It's more efficient this way, or at least I think it's a good idea.

Of course, since I am still a huge fangirl, you can't expect absolutely no mention of my favourite five guys when I ramble. They'll still feature a fair bit, but I'll stop the incoherent squealing and video spamming now, how's that? Also, since reblogging picture spams will surely take less time and effort than writing out lengthy rambles, there will be far less activity here on VerbalBrackets - but that's all right, because who needs a long, mostly-pointless ramble every week, anyway?

On a mixed note, though: It's May tomorrow. It's a good summer month, chock-full of cousins' birthdays (the release of 'WHITE' notwithstanding), but the upcoming exams cast such a pall on everything in life right now. But hey, it's May! :)

Sorry, trees, but I need paper books.

I've just finished reading a rather old book, Penny Jordan's Silver, online and I can't say the headache is worth the experience. Unless the experience teaches me how thoroughly ill-fitted e-books and I are; in that case, the headache is well worth the lesson.

I know e-books have been really popular and everything, but I guess I still can't adapt to it. My eyes are about to fall out of their sockets; they're pleading with me to just stab them the next time I attempt such a strenuous activity. Well, it would save them a lot of time, really, since reading a full-length novel on my computer is just a form of agonizingly slow torment that results in pretty much the same thing. I'd even be saved the headache!

I'm not about to wax on about how I'm a purist or classicalist or whatever who stands loyal to the beauty of traditional books. I ain't even much of a reader. You won't find me bitching about how the world is losing the feel of "real" books, but that's because I'm usually too busy chopping trees down for my selfish purposes. Like tissues. Heck yeah, tissues.

comfort clothes

Have I ever mentioned how much I love my ugly, ratty old PJ t-shirt? The original SMKDU one, no longer in print today. Haha. It's so wonderfully worn-out! It's the most comfortable thing I own, no doubt about it. Sorry for the abruptness, but really. My t-shirt is so awesome it deserves a post all on its own.

What's your favourite item of clothing? :)

done!

In the truest tradition of dressing twins in matching clothes (no, really, I actually can't stand that), I have now dressed this blog and my tumblr blog in exactly the same outfit! Mostly because I was bored (again) with how this blog looked, so when I saw how nice the background looked on tumblr I decided to use it here as well. Personally, I think it looks really nice for something so randomly cobbled together! I spent only half an hour on the thing, as opposed to my original estimate of 3+ hours. See, getting distracted and carried away with nonsense sometimes ends up with fun results!

Doesn't it look just like soft, colourful snow dancing as it falls? ♥

http://visualbrackets.tumblr.com/ <-- click or die, hoar!

No, seriously. Click it.

Oh, and by the way - I think I've just been given a tangible target, one I can actually aspire to achieve. :)

oh, no.

Okay, crap. It seems that nutnut was right about tumblr.

I didn't really bother at first, but now that I've gone cruising around and found some awesome tumblr blogs to follow, suddenly it's the most fun thing I could spend my time doing. Going on a reblogging spree is fine and all, but surely going on a reblogging rampage is not healthy. And now I've decided my theme is hideous, so I'm making myself a new background... NOOOO!!

I'll be up all night, at this rate! I'm actually opening up Photoshop now, ready to spend the next four hours making a good enough background. Oh, no, crap, no!

*sigh*

Well. You might as well make my work worth it. Come see the result of my toil! ;) brb!

song of the day: Ave Maria! ~Schubert~

I know I said I wouldn't post anything about stuff everyone's already heard anyway, and I know there isn't a one of you who hasn't heard Ave Maria. But humor me.

The version I'm talking about here is one of the covers Hirahara Ayaka has done (she did two, this is the "Schubert" version). For those unfamiliar with her, Hirahara Ayaka is one of those artists that make me feel really proud when I say I am a fan. For comparison, admitting to being a KAT-TUN fan still makes me squirm a little inside. You get the idea.

Hirahara is brilliant, the Japanese queen of classical covers. She also has the most amazing range I've heard from a woman, something you can hear from her debut song Jupiter. She has a lovely style of music, and most of my favourite singles from her are the ones based on classical music. Her song Jupiter is based on the Jupiter movement in the The Planets Suite, and Siciliana's melody is based on (you guessed it!) Bach's Siciliano.

This version of Ave Maria is another great cover. The first one was good, yes, but this second one is the one I'm interested in. It's got a jazzy feel to it, just the kind of sound I've been into lately, and there's a slightly livelier twist that her light voice (wanna hear her "heavy" voice?) works nicely into the song. With all due respect for classical music, I can't help feeling that her covers make it so much more accessible to uneducated, uncultured people like me.

If you still aren't a fan of Hirahara Ayaka, I'm gonna drop my last two bombs here. First; she's the one who performed the theme song for Spirited Away, as well as the concert version of Reprise. Second; SHE PLAYS THE SAXOPHONE. Not just plays; she's studying jazz and majoring in saxophone, for heaven's sake. You can't say that's not cool.

song of the day: Paradise

Download sprees make me happy! But you already knew that, I'm sure.

And what have I just downloaded? It's a nice, cheery song called Paradise by Matsushita Yuya! I feel a bit conflicted being a fan of his, because I don't exactly hide my disdain for Justin Bieber's feminity, but this guy doesn't have a very masculine voice either. Still, leave that for the haters to hate.

Matsushita Yuya may not have a rich, deep voice, but he does pretty well with his mid-range voice anyway. Also, at the risk of sounding very strange, I can't help but think this dude has pretty good control over his lungs. Huh. Well anyway, this song. It's actually just more of his usual stuff; a little bit R&B, with a quick, energetic pace and a voice that sounds happy for being able to sing. What I actually want to rave about is the PV!

What can I say? The dude can dance. I already found his dancing to be pretty impressive when I watched the PVs for Honesty and for Trust Me, and the one for Bird got me really impressed, but this time the PV is so nicely structured! It's got a good helping of his dancing in it, but unlike the others, it's mixed in with some other, more calming scenes so there's a good balance and nice contrast to things.

On the flipside, though, I have this unfortunate tendency to get bored of Yuya's stuff really quickly. I abuse my repeat button for two weeks, then I start looking for another song to go nuts over. But hey, no biggie. It's still good for a casual fandom.

Unrelated note:

Listening to ABBA makes me feel like having big, fluffy hair. Seriously. I have no idea why.

Another unrelated note:

I been spamming tumblr like crazy today! *serious rock-and-roll face*

Last unrelated note:

iLike Thursdays. :3

10 things I love about Kamenashi Kazuya

A rather overdue post that I feel is necessary to explain just why Kame Is Awesome, because my mysterious fandom just popped up one day and manifested itself without so much as an apologetic or explanatory peep. I didn't even have the time to warn everyone I knew, heh.

So I'm doing this as a sort of tie-in event with his birthday today! :P And by the way, these aren't the only ten things I love him for, and neither are they the top ten reasons. They're just ten of the many reasons, off the top of my head at this ungodly hour (what's new there?).

♦ ♦ ♦

#1 No false modesty
Kame knows he has tens of thousands of fans, maybe even hundreds if you include the international market, and he admits he's a bit of an attention whore and that he's always tried to look cool. Which explains his stage persona. You think he looks cool? Yeah, well, so does he. But in a nice way, not quite as obnoxious as it could be. It's rather like he thinks it's cool that he looks cool. Which is cool. Hahah.

#2 Depth
Kame likes photography, which millions of people do, and likes thinking, which considerably less do. It's interesting how his corner in the MAQUIA is such a thought-provoking commentary on the photos he takes, even if he doesn't take such visually stunning photos. What matters is what his photos mean to him and the things they make him ponder, and the way he puts that all into writing.

#3 Sobriety (to a certain extent)
Weird, but yeah. He's the youngest of the group, but the way he acts, you would think he's at least the second eldest. Of course, it isn't so good that he's so serious about work that he's almost perpetually overworking himself, but still. It's not a bad character trait to be hardworking and professional. Though maybe his seriousness is in part due to his inability to crack good jokes. Pfft.

#4 Voice(s)
Yes, the optional plural form is there, very deliberately. I love his voice, distinctive as it is, but his many, er, other voices are also brilliant. Kame does a wicked Donald Duck, by the way, among other impersonations he's demonstrated in public. And he used to mumble a lot, because he spoke too fast (that sounds familiar), but he worked on it and now he's so much clearer. Okay, maybe I should try his verbal exercises.

#5 People policy
Another familiar-sounding trait. It's a known fact that Kame likes company, and gets lonely easily, but at the same time he's mentioned how he is unable to go for too long without some alone time. He needs some time to hang around with himself and he enjoys his privacy and solitude as much as he does his social time. It's a balance thing.

#6 Normalcy
I suppose this isn't really limited as an exclusive Kame trait, but it's still a part of him that's awesome. What really made me realise how normal he was was the way he got so into his interior designing phase, when he prattled about his new sofa matching his home's new theme to anyone who would listen. It's funny and kind of cute, in a very regular way. And he's a confessed shopaholic! X'D

#7 Non-existent drawing talent
Probably the one thing that stands between him and the title of Jack of All Trades. He can't draw to save his life, for reasons best known to himself (and perhaps his parents), though he does have some freaky, avant-garde art style that frankly makes my head hurt. Kame's "drawing" of a cow in a meadow, from one of their field trips for CTKT, was nothing short of terrifying, with his novel idea of sprinkling coupy and scribbling abstract kanji all over his picture. The poem he had written to go with it, however, was great. He's a very good writer, for someone who usually spams emoticons like he's just discovered them.

#8 Acknowledgement where it's due
Kame wants to be learn English. British English, not American English. For this reason alone, I love him 30% more than I did before finding that out. Finally, a Japanese person who is more fascinated with Britain than with the USA, who knows that English came from England (despite how obvious this may seem)!

#9 Self-reflection
I wonder if all 25-year-olds are this reflective, but I've got a feeling that that isn't the case. From all his interview answers and suchlike, you can gather that Kame is constantly monitoring his personal development and evaluating where he is in life, something I wish I could do. He always gives thoughtful, honest answers to questions that don't actually require all that much work, revealing little things about himself that are at times thought-provoking, at times downright hilarious and at times a bit of both. (Like that time he talked about learning to act more masculine because he was born a guy and so had to act accordingly. *facepalm*)

#10 Appreciativeness
This dude is pretty much the kind of person who'd make a good grandma, come to think of it. He's unconventionally nice; what other lead actor runs out of a toasty room during a filming break to go and cook warm food for the filming crew?? And as if that in itself weren't cute enough, Kame's personal Keema Curry recipe requires apples, which he had a hard time finding in the dead of the night. So what does the guy do? Yeah, he went to a restaurant and begged them to sell him some, telling them his son was ill. He's so nice, but in such a weird way!

♦ ♦ ♦

Oops, wrong Kame. LOL.

♥ ♥ Much better. ♥ ♥

:)

Guess whose birthday it is tomorrow.

Shit, what have I become? I am such a fangirl plz. *bricked*

song of the day: Hymn of the Fayth

From Final Fantasy X. It's pretty haunting, but I can't think of much to say about it that the music itself doesn't make clear. Huh.

ITIMLY.

song of the day: Little by Little

To get this straight, this version of Little by Little that I'm talking about isn't the actual song, by Ji-yeon, but rather a cover by one of the most talented voices I've heard on YouTube in all the time I've been using it.

(I know many people get millions of views for their covers, but I feel only half of those people deserve their million hits. Others, like that eight-year-old Philippine/Canadian girl who's crazily viral right now, just don't. That kid is getting compliments like "Wow, how superb! She sings so well!" heaped on her, but to be honest I don't hear anything special in her voice. It's a video of a kid singing, and she sounds like a kid singing. That's it. It's a child's voice, people.)

Vietnamese boy Alan JW N., however, ranks higher in my book, simply because he has such a lovely voice. He may not be at the ready-to-record stage yet, but he definitely has the talent to do so. His cover of Little by Little is gorgeous, uplifting in a moment and melancholy the next, though admittedly the lyrics end rather tragically. It's sung in his lower range, which I prefer to his (much) higher one. He can sound quite unnervingly female if he wants to, I kid you not.

Please, please check his channel out. I gave little Maria a shot; surely you can give Alan one?

song(s) of the day: Lotus and Hazy

I'm gonna start posting about random songs for a bit. What I'll do is keep an eye on which song I'm listening to most on a particular day and then do a little review/recommendation. And no, I'm not J-music biased. I'm just not going to bother with the stuff you've already heard on the radio, because then there'd be no point to this. Cheers. :)

Lotus, Arashi's latest single, is nice and upbeat so it's good for keeping me bouncing on the balls of my feet and generally quite cheery. I suspect it might annoy the heck out of me in a bad mood though. I've only just seen the PV today, too, and it's not bad as far as Japanese PVs go. A pretty piece of work, though I can't tell if there's supposed to be a meaning to the dark rooms and white objects.

Hazy is on the other hand a rather old song, by Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons. It's also the kind that some people (cue the dagger-glaring at narrow-minded, underexposed little brother) claim will make them fall asleep. I happen to think it's beautiful. It's soft, calm and composed; the overall feel is that of a rather sweetly phrased question. I especially love how it doesn't come across as your typical love song, considering they never once expressly imply what kind of love it is. It could be a song between best friends or lovers or both, depending on how you want to hear it. Beautiful.

w/o notice??

If anyone even bothered to suffer through the KAT-TUN meme I did earlier this week, they would've noticed the abnormal number of times I cited w/o notice?? as one of my admittedly many personal favourites. I myself didn't really realise I was doing it until I found myself typing the title for the third time. Heh.



I don't know why exactly this song appeals to me so much; but it's just so hard to not include such a happifying song in your favourites! And I swear it's not because of this hilariously cute performance. It works miracles, this song does. You'd think going on a massive downloading spree, watching a cute, fluffy movie and listening to some pretty hardcore rock music would be my ultimate cure for moody moments, but nope. Somehow this light, playful song worked better.

Though to be honest, my real cure-all is a shower. Lol.

none of my business

I'm not angry. I want you to know that. Even though so many times I've felt like I wanted to break things or just scream long and loud, the overall result isn't anger. I'm too tired for that. Instead, all I feel is a sense of hopelessness. Even as I try to explain to you what exactly is wrong, I know it won't make a difference because you're making your disinterest as visible as you can. You simply don't want to hear it. I guess it's because you're at a "rebellious age", when you think no-one who's of a different age could ever possibly understand what you're going through or what you think about things. Although you'll probably disagree with that statement as well.

Fine, I'll admit it. I don't understand. I really don't. I could theorize and hypothesize based on normal patterns to suggest logical outcomes, but I don't understand what exactly you might be thinking that would cause such horrible behaviour. I personally think being rebellious for the sake of being rebellious is a load of bullshit, but hey, lots of teens do it without thinking too much about it. But just one question. Do you really think I would even bother going out of my way just to make you angry, because I and the the rest of the world have it in for you? I don't know what you think I do in my spare time, but I assure you I have much, much better things to do than to piss you off just for kicks.

I give up. I'm tired, sick and bloody tired of trying to explain as clearly as I can to you why you're doing something wrong and why you should stop, but nothing works. Whether I raise my voice to scream or keep it level to talk reason, the moment you sense a serious conversation coming up, you stop listening. You sit there and you hear what you're told, but you don't even try to assess it to see if it might be true because from the very beginning you already believe (whether consciously or not) that it's just another lecture, full of stuff you've heard before and don't enjoy hearing. I don't know what to do. I just don't know.

So I've come to the conclusion that I just suck at trying to teach you your basic manners. I won't blame it on your ability to learn, though the fact that you need to learn at all raises some questions. No, I blame myself for being a terrible teacher. And as such, I give up. From now on, go ahead and act as depraved as you like. Go ahead and grow into that full-fledged Asshole personality that you've been gunning towards. I just don't have the energy or time to deal with this shit. I'll leave you alone starting now. One cold, grey day in the future you'll look around you and see the crap you're mired in - and when you do, don't you dare blame anyone but yourself. Not your parents, not your family, not your friends, not your teachers, not society. You're the one with the problem you refuse to acknowledge, let alone tackle.

But I'm not angry. No, seriously, I swear I'm not. Anger takes up too much energy and is too detrimental to myself more often than not. But I want it known that just because I've decided to stop bothering with anger doesn't mean I've forgiven anyone anything. Let's be clear on that.

field trip

For someone who lived for nearly 15 years in Kuala Lumpur's satellite city of PJ, and whose daily classes are within technical boundaries of the federal territory, it seems unbelievable that I don't know my way around KL at all. (Have I really been living in Shah Alam for four years now?) For the most part, excursions to the city centre were pretty perfunctory - I need to go to Kinokuniya, let's go there and hurry back. I need to visit the convention centre, let's rush there and get everything settled quick. I'm catching a performance at Istana Budaya, no point in hanging around after the show.

Which was all such a mistake, now that I see how little of KL I know. I know KLCC and BNM and nothing else. Starhill and Imbi are vague shapes in my head, with only memories of having been there twice or thrice. How dare I make jokes about there only being one mall in Seremban when I haven't really explored everything in my vicinity? (I must clarify, however, that I do possess some knowledge of PJ's malls, excluding Sunway. That's just too bothersome.)

So today, I worked off a little ignorance. I had an excellent guide, of course, and the public transport system was actually really efficient. And along the way, we found a little time to have Starbucks! :P

my first KAT-TUN meme! :O

Stolen and adapted shamelessly from the KAT-TUN Worldwide website. Kill me :P

long post!

Forgive me if this post comes out not so well finished; I've only just finished watching the footage of the big live tour, the DVD I put aside because of the exams, and I wanted to hurry and get it written down here while this feeling is still at its peak.

Seriously?

cherry tree twisted metal spelling bee.

It's my new Line To Live By - not that I have any old ones, but this one is as good a first as any.

So I'm going through another of those phases where you've got plenty you feel like you have to say or do, but not enough time or energy to do it. Which is what everyone feels all the time, yes, but still.

I might have the tiniest bit of interest in that weird, arrogant jerk of a Glee character. And in the history of Laciel and Lydia from Inotia 3, but this is all of very little consequence.

Library Wars!

Because it's probably the only story that can make a guy shorter than his girlfriend look so cool and dependable. Lol.

I want to go to the bookshop! Well, I wanted to go even before the exams ended, but now I really am quite desperate to go! Watching a show about the beauty of books definitely made it worse. I want shelves and shelves to stroll between! Or just a single, massive one would be nice, too - like the one Joo-won has in Secret Garden. Of course, I don't think it's very practical, and I'd never accumulate that many books, but hey, it looks like something to dream about.

Oh and yes, my copy of Ultimate Wheels finally arrived today! :) I love how nicely CDJapan wraps its stuff, but now from experience I can say that YesAsia appears to be the winner. And whoa, are the go-nin looking crazy awesome in that badass Mafia styling or what? Love love love love love, there's not enough space on the Internet for me to finish expressing it!

...and because I seem to have exhausted my daily quota of exclamation marks at six in the morning, I shall take my leave. Hasta la vista!

festive :)

of exhaustion

I'm back! *insert crazy tapdance*

It's funny how I always feel, during an event, that there're so many things I want to blog about, yet immediately afterward I realise I'm too tired for anything to be worth saying. It's not just blogging either - any activity that tempts me like sin doesn't actually get done as soon as I'm free to do it. Exams ended a good four days ago, and though I was so animatedly making lists of things I wanted to do over the week-long break, I haven't done anything I said I would, except perhaps the shopping... and even that isn't really done yet. I've been extremely unproductive in the face of the massive hordes.

It feels like all that sleep deficiency caught up with me; I've done nothing but sleep and shop for three days now, a horrible state to be in. I still haven't watched the Secret Garden specials, the seven movies on my list, the Summer Premium Live, my beloved DVD, and all those episodes of Chuck, backdated as I am. That's a huge amount of telly-time, isn't it? And when I think about the next DVD which will arrive in a few days...

And books! I've not finished Nation, Sense and Sensibility, Memories of Midnight, The Splendour Falls, The Magician's Apprentice, The Folklore of Discworld... the only ones I finished in single sittings recently are If Tomorrow Comes and I Shall Wear Midnight. That is a pretty massive pile of stuff waiting to be read, since I usually don't start a book and leave it aside for more than a day. I lose the sense of things, you know? So yeah, that's a lot. Not to mention my Complete Japanese book which was abandoned for the sake of the exams.

Meh. I need glasses.

佳

I know I said I wouldn't blog, but just a quickie!

A couple of days ago, I realised that I still didn't know what my name would be like in Japanese - which came as a surprise; knowing myself, it's a wonder I hadn't tried to find out sooner. I indulged in a bit of smug superiority while I searched for a pinyin converter, because my "Japanese name" would be my real name, not just some typical internet-generated one like some others have to use. All I had to do was input my name in Chinese and it would be read as kanji, how brilliant! Of course, it's considerably less than brilliant that the only thing I can read in Chinese is my own name - and my parents sometimes forget that I can. How disturbing.

So I found a pinyin converter, and typed in my name: 佳彤

Unfortunately, my smug bubble was burst when I realised the second character isn't one of the many imported by the Japanese back when they first adopted traditional Chinese as their written language. *mope

But I was also quite delighted to find out that the first half is read as kei in Japanese, which would have been the same pronunciation used for Kaye. Isn't that most amazing? I'm getting to love my name more as time passes - and I'm not talking about "Kaye". Because at the end of the day, nothing fits me better than the one I've spent nearly two decades growing into.

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P.s.: Another three papers and I'll be free for CNY! This year, those fifteen days will mean:

• a reunion even more appreciated than before, because of
• the departure of an old, very close friend to somewhere new,
• a change or two (I won't say what just yet, heh),
• a time to contemplate the near future, and of course
• a boost in finances (as always).

I haven't had a single mandarin orange yet this year. Hmm.

hurrah, it's the weekend!

And that means one week of three down! It's rather unusual of me to go through an exam period this concerned about how well I do, rather than just wishing exams would end soon so the holidays can come. The last time this happened was probably SPM, though even then it wasn't such a big thing. The main focus for me is usually to just get through the exam period. Now you get why I'm such an awful student.

My DVDs arrived! The stupid postman just lobbed it over the gate, even though it was marked FRAGILE. Our postal service is the absolute pits, lower than the bottom of hell's toilets. Hmph. But thank goodness the wrapping was secure enough! In fact, the cardboard box and its lovely nesting of thick paper and bubble-wrap makes such a lovely home for my DVDs that I haven't taken them out yet. Somehow my shelf looks unsafe, heh. I should also mention that the box has a French postal stamp on it, together with the Japanese one I expected, so I guess it's no wonder the parcel took forever to get here. It's been on an adventure!

I've only allowed myself 30 of the overall running time of 220 minutes, because I decided (after 30 minutes of pure epic awesomeness) that something so amazing should be savoured with every ounce of attention I can give it - so I don't want to watch it with half my mind fretting about exams and reciting random facts. No, I'll give it my full attention after the exams. There'll be plenty of time afterwards for this. There, I've convinced myself.

But from here on out, the papers are the tough ones (although to be honest, Accounting 1 isn't included in this category), and the timing is less forgiving. So from now till the end of exams, no blogging for me. I should stop using Facebook and Twitter too, at least for the most part. I really have been grossly indulgent with myself for the past week of papers.

The aim for the next two weeks: to keep a calm approach towards studying (even if it makes me feel ill), to appear stress-free (in the eyes of everyone but my family), and to show myself some semblance of discipline and self-control. Lofty aim, especially for the gluttonous sloth that I am, but since it's short term and I'm putting it here in writing, it should be manageable. After all, the first step has to be taken sometime, eh?

psychedelic power

Another filler picture, taken a short while back right after I bought a few new hair ties to join the "transpaque" family. Equals three! Welcome to the family, Chocolate, Lilac, Charcoal and Apple!

There's no story behind this, it's just another aesthetically pleasing and functionally obsolete picture that turned out so nice because the Sun was being generous with its light. I don't know exactly what it makes me think of - probably a giant sunflower or a wormhole in outer space. Don't know why. Hmm. Either way, it has this funny power that makes me feel like I'm being drawn into a bright, colourful whirlpool of sunlight every time. I guess you could say it cheers me up, heh. Colon right bracket!

So yes, is a filler. 'ta!

update: bits and pieces

Hello, bloggie. I hasn't abandoned you because of the exams, don't worry. I is still going to follow my erratic blogging timing. Which means the next you hear from I may be tomorrow, but may also be next month. Heh.

But is not I's fault. I has no will to blog when I has nothing to share or nothing to think about. (When that happens, I thinks about grasshoppers and striped tablecloths, then I is all okay again.) Anyway, that means this is a filler post, meant to demonstrate my boredom and restlessness and anxiety and stress and depravity and whatnot. Also, you may have noticed I's terrible grammar. I personally thinks is kinda cute. Is funny.

Okay enough of that, it's actually taking more effort to write like that than not.

Boredom: because I don't feel like revising statistics tonight and I don't wanna sleep either.

Restlessness: because I want my parcel to arrive NAO and it feels really slooooow.

Anxiety: because it's exam time. Enough said.

Stress: because studying makes me ill. Lol.

Depravity: because I bawled like a demented baby over the last two episodes of Secret Garden.

Whatnot: because my kintoro doesn't seem to be working - but of course it takes time, no biggie.

Have I mentioned I'm finally going to learn how to cook something other than instant noodles? I'm going to learn to make pan mee after this gruelling exam period! Hehe. I'm joking about the instant noodles, by the way, of course that's not all I can make. I can also make instant soup, the kind that comes in sachets. Yup, that's me.

the way my mind works

This will probably come out sounding weird, given my ineptitude at conveying messages in coherent sentences when I most need to, but I'll say it anyway. I've only just realised recently that one very odd quirk of mine is that every time after I've read someone else's writing (especially others' expressions of their opinions) for an extended period of time, I feel this urge to read my own writing for a while, like some sort of balancing routine. That, or I write something myself (and then read it).

The most common scenario would be me reading through someone's blog or maybe through some random online forum where the posts are lengthy and eloquent - when I'm done, I get this feeling that I really need to read something else (preferably something by my own hand), and fast.

Into the New World (gasp)

[link] <-- click!

I don't know how to explain it, but somehow I'm always happy when I've got downloads running - the only thing that tempers the otherwise grumpy impatience. The same goes for awaiting the shipment of an order from online stores. Oh, this age of instant gratification is so twisted.

happiness in the mail

My first order arrived on Monday! Change Ur World and No More Pain, both limited edition releases. They're in good condition, thank goodness! So YesAsia gets a few brownie points from me now; I'll wait until the CDJapan parcel arrives before I deliver my verdict.

Also: my order came with a free toy! It's just one of those cheap gacha capsules, but it's still the most adorable thing a free toy can be! I haven't thought of a name yet, but when I do I'll tell you. Haha.

By the way, my DVD player appears to be region-free. FIST PUMP YEAH!!

we need a little recap...

Oh, dear. I started drafting this before Christmas and now look. It's already the second day of the new decade! And I can't blame it all on my lack of a computer; I really do procrastinate on an unbelievable level. Hmm. Well anyway. I don't normally do this, but I feel like the end of this year 2010 should be documented, for various small reasons and a few significant ones. Uh, I should probably change the publish date, though...

hands down winners

Decided to just go with CDJapan. The amount of stress caused by the indecision (and the worry that the limited editions would run out of stock) was absurd - I'll just order it tonight and go through the exam period only stressing over my papers and not about the worrisome quality of my package's shipping.

Speaking of the exam period...

I stopped watching almost all the dramas I was following because it took up insane amounts of time, but I'm still allowing myself one: Secret Garden. I can catch up with the rest at leisure in February, but this one is something else entirely.

In fact, just watching this puts me off all the others because it's so much more real and serious - face it, MMM fans, a sweet and goofy little love story between two kids is no comparison for one between realist adults who have so much more to consider in life than just their feelings. It's not a "star-crossed lovers" plot, it's about people dealing with the responsibilities and consequences that come with their actions - portrayed very well by the two leads and the two supporting, and that's not my bias. Just check out their ratings - they're number one for ratings in Korea, with an awesome 29.3% nationwide!

Okay, rant's over. By the way, I'm changing the labels on my posts from now on; instead of just "fanpost", I'll be more specific. Another step towards the development of my blog into a fanblog, ohnoes!

CDJapan vs. YesAsia

I'm in a real dilemma over which site to buy my stuff from. I've already narrowed it down to these last two, cdjapan and yesasia. I initially had it down to four, but then decided to scratch out Amazon and HMV (Amazon because the system was too confusing for my sleep-deprived brain to navigate, plus it involved secondhand merchandise - the horror! HMV because their shipping is expensive, you're signed up for express mailing without any say in the matter). The problem is, these sites have twigged aeons ago that because what they're selling is pretty much homogeneous, some form of product differentiation is necessary.

The result? A huge headache for me. See, CDJapan is known for being very quick and extremely helpful. They also don't have much problems with stocking and are very good for getting all those freebies that come with first-press limited editions. Speed is their best feature - it's amazingly speedy; sometimes you get your order on the day it's released!

YesAsia loses out on the gross price factor, because theirs are noticeably higher than those on CDJapan. But then again, it's actually just them hiding their shipping costs - because this site proudly promotes its Free Shipping offer. So net price-wise, YesAsia is actually cheaper.

However.

CDJapan costs more. Money is a sore point, with heavy weightage in this issue.

YesAsia has more cons, but its overall cheaper price makes it a serious contender still. This site tends to be rather erratic with its delivery - for some orders, it can be surprisingly efficient, but many have complained about having to wait for weeks to get their purchases, and sometimes never get their packages (which have already been paid for). Worse, some unsatisfied customers say that the customer service department is completely unhelpful when contacted, saying they don't know where the shipment is. They also have been said to be unreliable when it comes to getting the all-important freebies. This, I've heard, is because they actually only start sourcing for products when an order has been placed - which makes them a lot less attractive.

Both, apparently, are pretty good when it comes to packaging orders - plenty of protective bubble-wrapping. There have been a couple of stories about YesAsia's products being damaged, but that probably isn't a frequent occurence. CDJapan does have better packaging, though - they bubble-wrap your stuff, put it in a cardboard box for extra protection and tape it to the inside of the box to minimise movement.

Now, this post might seem to be slanting a whole lot towards CDJapan, but as I said, money is a pretty big factor. CDJapan's cost comes out to be about RM50 more expensive than on YesAsia, which could buy me a normal album in local stores already. That having been said, if I'm already spending a few hundred on this stuff, maybe an extra fifty to guarantee its quick arrival in good condition is worth it - it would not be funny to have my hundreds of ringgit disappear somewhere in the Pacific.

I don't know, really I don't. Someone decide for me, please - before stocks run out! :(