the way my mind works

This will probably come out sounding weird, given my ineptitude at conveying messages in coherent sentences when I most need to, but I'll say it anyway. I've only just realised recently that one very odd quirk of mine is that every time after I've read someone else's writing (especially others' expressions of their opinions) for an extended period of time, I feel this urge to read my own writing for a while, like some sort of balancing routine. That, or I write something myself (and then read it).

The most common scenario would be me reading through someone's blog or maybe through some random online forum where the posts are lengthy and eloquent - when I'm done, I get this feeling that I really need to read something else (preferably something by my own hand), and fast.

I have a hunch/theory about why this is. Y'see, whether I've made it obvious or not, I'm a person who is far too easily influenced by any form of pressure. I suppose this susceptibility means I'm highly unstable mentally. Do I need to book that padded cell early or can I just check in on the spot? Anyway, what I mean to say is, the direction of my thoughts are very easily swayed. Tell me one thing and I'll start thinking, "That makes so much sense! The answer's obvious!" but the moment someone else gives me a decent argument against your point I'll think, "That's true, I didn't think of that. Okay, I'll go with this side then." It sounds very normal when I put it like that, but the difference is that I don't have a stand of my own most of the time. My impression of something changes every time a new comment pops up, even if the comment is posted by some stupid troll.

What causes this odd impulse to write is a combination of my vulnerability to influence and my Mental Voice. I probably haven't mentioned my Mental Voice in here before; basically, it's a voice I hear in my head. Before you start making my advanced bookings for that padded cell I mentioned, the voice I hear is my own. It's basically me talking to myself - which, come to think of it, might also warrant the padded cell...

"Shall I put you on hold or would you like to speak to you?"

But anyway. Continuing on.

So as I think, I speak to myself to make my own thoughts clearer to myself. And it's not in any way like how I speak to people normally; I think 65% in English, 28% in my own weird mindspeak (which includes images, by the way), 3% in Malay/Chinese, 2% in odd, random Japanese phrases and quotes, and 2% in a kind of freestyle limbo, where I think using snatches of phrases from my current obsession. If I'm into K-drama I fill that 2% with things like "cho neun Kaye imnida" but if I'm crazy about Old Spice commercials I fill it with "swan dive!" See, there's my susceptibility to influence working right there. Buffer solution, I am not.

As might be obvious by now, this means that as I read, it's as though my Mental Voice is reading aloud to me - which certainly explains why I need some semblance of quiet to read: I cant hear it otherwise. Now, with my super-susceptibility to whatever my Mental Voice reads to me, you can imagine that reading someone else's opinion results in me hearing my own voice say it to me as though it's my own opinion. If it's just a little it's not so bad, but if I read for too long anything that isn't plain narrative, I get very disoriented and I feel my own thoughts being replaced by someone else's. Even the pattern changes, so my writing style gets distorted. So when I feel the confusion settling in, my first instinct is to forcefully reestablish my style in my head, by forcing myself think in the way I usually do. Sort of like finding my center, to use a meditation phrase.

You've probably guessed by now that this unnecessarily long post is here for the exact reason I'm blabbering about. You'd be right. I'm writing all this in a sort of frenzy, to reinforce my own personality in my own head - how sad is that? Oh, I'm pathetic. *facepalm*

I'll continue with the long ranty posts for the foreseeable future. I've got so many things in queue!! Stupid exam period is heightening my need for escapism, yeesh.