none of my business

I'm not angry. I want you to know that. Even though so many times I've felt like I wanted to break things or just scream long and loud, the overall result isn't anger. I'm too tired for that. Instead, all I feel is a sense of hopelessness. Even as I try to explain to you what exactly is wrong, I know it won't make a difference because you're making your disinterest as visible as you can. You simply don't want to hear it. I guess it's because you're at a "rebellious age", when you think no-one who's of a different age could ever possibly understand what you're going through or what you think about things. Although you'll probably disagree with that statement as well.

Fine, I'll admit it. I don't understand. I really don't. I could theorize and hypothesize based on normal patterns to suggest logical outcomes, but I don't understand what exactly you might be thinking that would cause such horrible behaviour. I personally think being rebellious for the sake of being rebellious is a load of bullshit, but hey, lots of teens do it without thinking too much about it. But just one question. Do you really think I would even bother going out of my way just to make you angry, because I and the the rest of the world have it in for you? I don't know what you think I do in my spare time, but I assure you I have much, much better things to do than to piss you off just for kicks.

I give up. I'm tired, sick and bloody tired of trying to explain as clearly as I can to you why you're doing something wrong and why you should stop, but nothing works. Whether I raise my voice to scream or keep it level to talk reason, the moment you sense a serious conversation coming up, you stop listening. You sit there and you hear what you're told, but you don't even try to assess it to see if it might be true because from the very beginning you already believe (whether consciously or not) that it's just another lecture, full of stuff you've heard before and don't enjoy hearing. I don't know what to do. I just don't know.

So I've come to the conclusion that I just suck at trying to teach you your basic manners. I won't blame it on your ability to learn, though the fact that you need to learn at all raises some questions. No, I blame myself for being a terrible teacher. And as such, I give up. From now on, go ahead and act as depraved as you like. Go ahead and grow into that full-fledged Asshole personality that you've been gunning towards. I just don't have the energy or time to deal with this shit. I'll leave you alone starting now. One cold, grey day in the future you'll look around you and see the crap you're mired in - and when you do, don't you dare blame anyone but yourself. Not your parents, not your family, not your friends, not your teachers, not society. You're the one with the problem you refuse to acknowledge, let alone tackle.

But I'm not angry. No, seriously, I swear I'm not. Anger takes up too much energy and is too detrimental to myself more often than not. But I want it known that just because I've decided to stop bothering with anger doesn't mean I've forgiven anyone anything. Let's be clear on that.