pain.

Me wants a longish coat.

I really want to write a long post. I'm convinced it will make me feel better - mostly because that would mean that I've understood enough about something to write about it. But of late I find myself unable to go beyond five or six lines, and even those few lines are just about meaningless. I haven't been able to write anything lately, not even the dialogue shorts I used to do every week. I don't know if it was the overall change in my mood this year that caused it, but the point is I can no longer write - at all, not even badly.

Maybe it was the decadent indulgence in manga and Photoshop, and too little reading, that caused it. I find my tendency to seek whatever I seek in pictorial form increasing, and I can't be bothered to read chunky bits of text. I stopped relying on my imagination alone to picture something described in words, instead looking for pictorial representations rendered by others and accepting those as though they are definite.

I want to return to words. I don't want only my right brain to be stimulated. This post, short as it is so far, took me half an hour to construct; even then, I couldn't articulate anything properly. My head actually hurts when I make an attempt to write, groping in the dark for the right words and trying to keep a firm hold on the thought itself. How different this is, when I consider the fact that I used to spill stuff out in the same manner that I would use when speaking.

Wait.

If I think about it, I don't actually speak as much as I used to. Is that why? It's strange, but I suppose it's one of the many, many things brought about by the year's change. I know it's already been six months, but I still haven't got used to the fact that we're no longer in uniforms and sitting on floors on a daily basis. Everyone is moving on and looking towards the future, but it's hard to do so when there are so many gaping holes in the patchwork and no new pieces that can fill them up.

I'm much the same as I was, but only because what's missing was never known to most. Has anyone noticed, I wonder, that I've been somewhat subconsciously talking more about my dictractions (which are, by the way, manga) now? I'm sure that hints at something, though I haven't yet figured out a way to put that into words either.

You know what? I have decided that, to restore my interest in words, reading is in order. And what better books to read than Sir Pratchett's?

Well, the therapy commences tomorrow. For now, sleep would be nice.

A long post. I did it. Oh, sweet relief.