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2010 felt like it came in two separate parts for me, as though I lived for two years within those 365 days. Maybe it's because college life came in two semesters? During the first, I was downright miserable and emo; it's a miracle I still have friends. No, wait, that's not it. My friends are themselves miracles to me, each and every one. They were the cause and the cure for my depression, really. I was unhappy because I felt friendless and alone after having been so dependent on their company for so long. Because I don't make friends easily, the feeling was augmented, and I spent most of my time pining for time to turn back to our days of school, at the point where I only had a vague idea of how much I would miss it when we left. I wallowed nearly every day in infuriating melancholy, being foolishly irrational - what remained of my common sense kept telling me that "this is life, so just shut up and get a move on", but that didn't work nearly as well as the comfort derived from the time spent with friends, which is now all the more precious for its scarcity.
I still don't know how I shook off that depression and stopped thinking about suicide, but in the second half of the year I think I became quite normal again. I started hanging out more with my classmates, I got used to not seeing besties every day - more importantly, I think I just got sick and tired of my behaving like a spoilt pain-in-the-behind, of hating everything I saw (including the face in the mirror) and of the perpetual exhaustion I felt.
The later half of the year was also a tad more hectic, plus it marked the beginning of some rather odd things - a handful of new friendships, a slightly less intimidating outlook, a wonderful discovery... Even my silly stalker incident is funnier on hindsight. And I will always remember 2010 as the year I started battling the insecurity and fear of being totally replaceable as a person - bet you didn't know I had that, heh. It's still an ongoing effort, anyway.
Also, in case I haven't annoyed/bored/pissed you off enough yet with this post, I will never forget 2010 as the year I fell in love with Kame. I know how stupid it seems to stick a bit of fangirling in with a serious post like this, but really. It means a lot to me. I'm sure you know how it feels: when you're unhappy and no-one is there for you and all you have is that beautiful music that seems to say everything you couldn't explain... To paraphrase Kame himself, music has no effect on someone with neither sadness nor happiness - but if you meet the right musical piece in a moment of frustration, it becomes a form of support. This person is, to me, that beautiful something that becomes my panacea in times of relapse into depression.
But maybe "depression" is too strong a word. I wasn't dangerously suicidal, I was just spending a lot of time being morbidly curious about what would happen if I died. Curious enough to consider suicide once, but that was all. So I probably shouldn't use that word, for fear of making my whiny attitude earlier last year seem more serious than it actually was, but for the life of me I can't think of a better word to use. I might return to edit this later, but the procrastinator in me casts doubts on that.
I have no idea how to end a post like this. Is it enough to say I hope I grew in 2010, if only by a little? I don't feel like I've changed. But maybe this kind of change comes slowly. I'll document it if I ever notice it occurring.
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I wish any reader a good year ahead; one that brings you much happiness, but also a little sadness, so the happiness can be appreciated more; one with success borne of mistakes and lessons learned; one where bonds are forged despite differences and held despite distances. Thank you for reading this.
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ps: the links are all there as proper documentation of my, er, evolution throughout the year. They're quite interesting as supporting posts, and it's the first time I've attempted such a feat, so feel free to revisit the past!
4 comments:
like.
ps. bibel
thankyou. :)
ps: guffl
you, replaceable? what utter tosh. seeyous cny ff! <3
hey, no making light of the complex! x) seeyous cny nn!
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